Apprentice
It’s More Than Décor

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Jacob Clifton: C | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Seven: Speak My Language

Michael walkies to Sean and asks them to list everything they bought. Allie says she can't believe he would do that, double-check the basic shit they were delegated, but Sean says probably the smartest thing anybody has said about any person, this season. Sean, I don't like, because I think he's a poseur and too invested in team spirit for his own good, without knowing it -- however, he's pretty cool in this episode, and this is awesome: "No, it's because he wants to look like he's Project Managing." Wow. I know it's not brilliant or all that out of the ordinary, but they get so wrapped up in the many crazy layers of meaning here that it's nice to have somebody call the bullshit what it is. Michael hems and haws over the paint chips before him, and Andrea spits: "Look, just make a decision, whatever it is. Tell me what you want because I don't care." No matter how much you hate Andrea, this is not an example of her being a bitch, because my God, Michael. The whole time she's saying this, he's like, "Yeah, I know, colors are so hard, I just need to make a decision! Think, Michael, think! Paint colors..." When she finishes telling him to grow a pair, he snaps out of it. "Let me call Sean." Andrea throws up her hands and goes to look for shovels.

Roxanne answers the phone, and Michael immediately starts with the word vomiting: "Do we need one color for everything, or should the walls be one color and the pipes another color, because there are exposed pipes just under the ceiling and I think that they should provide contrast, because it's all so fun for kids, and primary colors are the new black, and we really want these colors to say something meaningful, about teamwork or some shit, and like, should we have different walls be different colors, or maybe each pipe should be a different color, or maybe we should rethink all of this and just glue hay to the walls, and that will provide texture, but you know what, it would also kill the children and then so probably that's a bad idea, but you know blue, red, yellow, indigo, green, I kind of like blue, as a color, but also orange is good, I mean who doesn't like orange, but you know there are so many colors in the visible spectrum that it's really confusing, because it's like apples and oranges trying to pick one over the other, when they are all so special in their own way, which is why I was asking if we should have different colors on the walls and the pipes, and why the fuck haven't you answered me yet?" Answer: Because they're too busy laughing at your chucker ass.

Roxanne can't even answer him. She's all, "Okay!" And then they all collapse in laughter again, which would be completely funny except it's this trio, with their weird swinger vibe, so it's only mostly funny. And he makes it worse: "I can't understand you with the giggling that's going on." Which is where they don't have plausible deniability, because admit it: if you were on the other end of this conversation, wouldn't you assume they were all naked and giggling like idiots? Since that's all they usually do anyway. Michael begs and begs them to -- not answer his question, really, since he's not actually asking any questions, but respond in some way, which just makes them laugh harder. Sean interviews that Michael is "such a wanker!" "All you've gotta do is pick up some paint!" I know myself well enough to know that I would have totally been Andrea in this situation: just grab him by the crotch and be like, "Look, motherfucker, you are killing me. Nobody cares, not us, not the executives, not the kids, nobody. Pick a color or I will stab you in the eye." Which I wish somebody had done, say, twelve hours ago when this fucking conversation started. The band dorks all laugh in their little van about how weird he is, and Allie is fully face-down in Sean's lap by this point. That proto-sexual lameness aside, Sean's kind of awesome this episode. Still cheesy and too caught up in his own nerdy bullshit, but he's at least right and not just selling whatever he thinks the herd thinks without realizing they aren't his own thoughts. I mean, in all honesty the best possible reaction would be to stop giggling and just pick a color at random -- preferably backing it up with utter lies and bullshit about how blues and greens are soothing so they should avoid the reds and oranges because it will make the kids more excitable and behave less optimally, and call it a day, because that will make him think they discussed it, which is all he thinks he wants. However, they're punchy and haven't slept in seven weeks or whatever, and laughing hysterically at him is a pretty doable Plan B.

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Apprentice

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