Apprentice
King Of The Jingle

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Jacob Clifton: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Six: Trump's Your Momma Now

Roxanne interviews that Sean "loves women and can relate to women well, so…[total band sigh]…he makes the rounds and we all know it and don't care: it's Sean." What that says to me is, "I'm pretty sure he's gay, but I do like the accent." The dude shaves the truffles over their plates, and Allie adorably, tipsily, groggily says she wants to take a picture of the food instead of eating it, because it's "too pretty." Sean digs right in, of course taking some time to shriek about truffles and food and fucking truffles and whatever. Allie and Roxanne climb all over each other to get Sean to do his "American accent" and it's stupid. Then Allie does that one thing that I love so, so much where she says something absolutely devastating and never indicates if she meant it, gabbing about his awful stupid fake accent and how "it could be a really dumb comment, and you still sound so sexy!" Michael smiles hugely at this one. I love it so much. I love Synergy like a big silly bear at the zoo. Like that one fat kid at the mall that's really good at Dance Dance Revolution and you just want to watch him take the skinny kids' money and hand them their asses, all day long. Sean interviews that there's a "certain humility" that comes from winning, and that you "take a moment to yourself" after a victory" to...I guess pat yourself on the back or wank yourself to sleep or something, "whilst everyone is celebrating." He and Allie smack cheeks, and it's so, so funny because of the unavoidable chardonnay fumble that results, and I really wish she'd take his eye out or something with a well-intended but very sudden move.

Even though Synergy is all out, Bryce calls the Rushees back into a bedroom, because he's about to try something stupid, and it involves Charmaine having a bed to faint on while weeping to beat the band. He gives them a speech about how he's "so impressed with how they all worked together," which is French for "Look at the sparkly thing in my left hand! Don't look at how my right hand fucked everything up without trying! Nothing up my sleeves but bratty rage!" He tips his hand with his examples: testimony to his superior management skills includes Tarek not feeling like he has to do anything, because he's the most talented boy in the world and always takes on too much responsibility, and nobody (Tarek, Bryce) complaining that "the girls won't step up." Even Tarek's eyeballs bug out at this, but everybody's too tired and screwed up to really care. They all sit around, bored, as Bryce repeats over and over -- both to them and in interview -- about how amazingly well they all worked together, thanks to him. I don't begrudge him this, because it's all he's got, but it does freak me out that he's sipping liberally from the Kool-Aid his own self. He puts on a whole show about "the way that he was raised" in "some certain way" to be perfect and wonderful and awesome. It's so fucking ugly and it makes no sense and it goes on and on. Charmaine loses all sense of herself and again starts weeping and crying about how, just this once, nobody should be fired, because even though Bryce is a terrible fuck-up, he's talking her sorority pass-the-candle language and she wants to join his cult. With one hand in the air and the other on her temple, he blesses her about how sweet she is and how perfect he himself is, and how if only her wish could come true. It's exceedingly discomfiting. Charmaine interviews about how Bryce isn't "out to stab people in the back" or "make up lies" and how "he's here to have the integrity he's had throughout his life," and everything else he's been yakking about, like verbatim. Except that he seems to have backed himself into a burrow and is about five seconds from snapping like a rabid wolverine at anyone in authority, I guess she's right. He's exactly what he seems to be, and he was raised to be that way, and it's pretty awesome until some tiny thing pulls the mask back and he starts growling.

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