Apprentice
King Of The Jingle

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Jacob Clifton: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Six: Trump's Your Momma Now

Trump: "I think it is terrible that you brought Lee back."
Bryce: "You can [fucking] send him home right now [because I told you to]."
Trump: "Excuse me? Maybe I will [, pissant]."
Bryce: "[Whatever, asshole.]"
Carolyn: "[This is the best thing that has ever happened in my life.]"
Trump: "I think it's terrible that you brought back Lee and Lenny, instead of Charmaine and Tarek. I think it's terrible that you were late to the meeting. Bryce, you're fired."

He dismisses them after a few gulping seconds of adrenaline, and Bryce thanks him. Trump tells him that he has "great potential," and I agree, and not just in the "...to take out a family of six in a Luby's" way either. He's got lots of strengths. Kissing ass is not one. Making a plan is not one. Acting like an adult in the face of adversity, not so much. Reading a room is not at all a strength of Bryce's. But he's a good salesguy, he plays boy games really well, he's a smart talker and probably a good writer, and that's 80% of what it takes for somebody like him to succeed. Bryce and his motherfucking integrity hold the door open for Lee and Lenny, and they both pat his belly on their way out, giggling about what a chucker Bryce has always been, to pile into the elevator back up.

Trump tells his Viceroys that the Lenny part is one thing, but Bryce really shouldn't have brought Lee back. Which is admirable, because Bryce was going to be fired from the second they were late to the meeting -- neither Charmaine nor Tarek were in any danger this week, at any point, because in the BR either one would have roasted him with the truth of his incompetence -- but the reason it was so satisfying for Trump has nothing to do with religious sensitivity. Carolyn and Bill agree that this was a simple decision -- which was made for them by Bryce's crazy ass -- almost as an afterthought, because: duh. "Okay!" intones the Trump, and then...does a strange, mystical movement with his arms, like Endora or Halfrek, as though he's cleansing the space of negative vibes. It's really the perfect, maybe only possible, ending to the gorgeous, exciting, hilarious Boardroom of this episode.

Crazy Taxi, Verbatim Edition: "Trump doesn't scare me! Neither does Carolyn! Neither does Bill!" CASE CLOSED, you little bitch. How old are you? "Ugh! Gah! The best candidate for Mr. Trump is sitting in this cab right now! Pssh, driving home! In terms of running one of his companies in terms of real estate, building development [more Napoleon Dynamite noises]... Nobody in that suite can do a better job than I can! And I think even Mr. Trump's going to figure that out! Real quick!" Crazy Taxi does that [beat] thing I love so, so much, where the music wraps it up and we cut to the exterior...and then back inside for a final shot: "It wouldn't hurt Trump to listen, once in a while." Which...I get where you're coming from, that seeing Bryce do this is cathartic or that Trump "needs to hear it" or whatever. But there was no net benefit, nothing changed as a result of the tantrum; the rage was -- as usual -- ineffectual. Which means that Bryce didn't do anything particularly heroic or cool, just something hilarious. Which is...this is a game, with an objective, and you have to be a pretty small person with a pretty tiny fuse and a pretty big lack of maturity to behave this way. If the ump's being a dick and you've got bases loaded, you try to hit the ball. You don't spit on the ump and walk off. You don't get into an argument with the umpire about how great you are at baseball, or what a good person you are, or how the umpire can better perform his job. Because I'm telling you: he's not listening, and he already thinks you suck. Just hit the fucking ball.

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Apprentice

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