Apprentice
Apprentice

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B | 629 USERS: C+
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Lesson Twelve: Go With Your Gut

Heidi's like, "Hide the breakables and put down slipcovers! Arrow's on their way in!" Kristine's like, "I literally could not care less. Nicole's been here a 'week' already, so that weird Salisbury steak smell was here to stay either way." Heidi tells Kristine and Nicole the rest of the news, and they're all pretty Ivanka about it. Meanwhile, outside, several disturbing things are happening.

James: "The hardest part is this, now: We're not going to be Arrow anymore!"
Jacob: "You never were! Get out of the crazy!"
Drunk Frank: "I hate to live inside! I want to stay outside forever in my Sleepy Suit! Inside is stupid! We have beer and a fire, what else do we need?! I'm going to go pee in the perennials one more time before we go. God!"
Then: [He starts to cry. I'm not kidding.]

They all toast their imaginary team that never existed and say they're friends for life. "Forever!" says Stefani, but I think what she meant to say was, "How forever are we?", because in this case, her usual up-speaking girly-talk confusion about declaratives/interrogatives would actually be closer to the truth. Inside, Kristine's like, "Fuck it. I'm not even standing up when their dirty asses come in here." Nicole furrows her brow and growl-screeches, "Me neither!" For no reason! Why are you like this, Nicole? Frank enters, singing off-key, as you knew he would, then shouting and bellying up to the table and annoying the girls, as you knew he would, then trying to take command of the quote "sit down," as you knew he would, and then getting roundly ignored by everybody. And you know what, I'm not going to lie. Coming inside did wonders for him, he looks better than he's looked this whole time. Almost there. I'm not going to say anything that could indict me, but I will say: almost there. Shocking. But you know what they say about the biggest room in the world. James immediately decides to cast the having of alliances as a sign of character, like, "I say we just put our cards on the table. I have always known, and not gone to much effort to show, that I would fuck anybody over in this game except Stefani, who I will easily beat in the final. So it's me stepping up and being more forthright than all of you to say, once again, that I choose Stefani for my partner."

Apprentice

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