Apprentice
Las Vegas, Baby!

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Twelve: Go With Your Gut

James and the designer -- to Stefani's very focused approval -- get together a poster with "360 degrees of marketing" on it, which will turn out to be their secret weapon, rather than the part they forgot to do like the other teams. James informs us that he and Stefani "know how Trump thinks," which I don't doubt, and that what Trump wants is "something solid he can stand by," not "some kind of gimmick." Which is blatantly bullshit, generally speaking, but in this case is true. This isn't a sales-gimmick task, because it's not a fucking sales task. And it pisses me off that James is involved in the only team to figure that out, and that at some point it stops mattering. The only way this episode should have ended is with Stefani and James as the Final Two, but Trump's hatred of the Kinetic Idea About Ladies, I guess, so outweighs his sense of logic that we gotta sit through an entire all-Arrow episode. Without even Heidi's scorching hot ass rolling around in a bikini every few minutes as a bribe. Design even one degree of marketing around that hellish concept, I'll give you five bucks.

Kristine works on the "Las Vegas is turning gold" video (that's their theme now) and explains it hilariously in depth to the designer guy: "See, because now that there's another tower, we're turning Las Vegas gold." She looks over her shapely shoulder at the wrinkled mess of Nicole, sweating in her sleep on the couch and snoring like a hairy old boar from the primeval forest. Gross me the fuck out. They already told you sleeping on tasks wasn't going to fly! Kristine's headache is now this big, according to a little meter on the bottom of the screen. She explains to us about how Nicole is actually more magic the more she sleeps, and since that's all Nicole can contribute to this or any other task, it's in everybody's best interest that she put that vile voice to bed. Who knew the sleeping noises were just as horrific as the awake ones? Not Kristine, who looks like she's about this close to putting a pillow over little Nicole's scrunched-up, Amish-looking face once and for good. "She wanted to lay down for twenty minutes, I was like: why not forever?"

They finish on the video and start to get the brochure together, Kristine and the graphics guy. Kristine's look of disgust at a particularly adenoidal expostulation is so piercing that it half wakes the sleeping beastie, and she giggles and shoots finger-guns at Kristine: "Gonna laugh at my bees again and I'm gonna destroy you!" Kristine shoots regular old fingers at the JC Penney's tag sticking out of Nicole's slacks: "Honey, go back to your dream. I don't know what you're talking about." Instructions on the brochure: Put the email address, the phone number, and end with the Trump logo at the bottom. Somebody's fingers type in (702), and that's all we see -- designer asks if she's happy, and she nearly weeps angrily with how not-happy she's ever going to be until her ass is off this awful show. Now, I did some intense detective work this week, and pulled a bunch of sweater threads trying to find the Rivers Cuomo in there that would make Heidi's firing make sense to my heart. And what I found was a shark, eternally jumping and being jumped. This is where that starts.

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Apprentice

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