Las Vegas, Baby!

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now!
Lesson Twelve: Go With Your Gut

So this goes on for hours. Nicole giggles goofily, Trump calls her an idiot, Kristine mumbles half an apology that Trump cuts off, ad nauseam. Nicole offers stupid non-excuses ("this isn't the screen I was shown when we practiced!") that make nobody look good, least of all her. Trump finally sends -- see this? -- James over to help them. Maybe nothing, maybe something, who knows. But Nicole continues to shrug and hand-jive and chuckle and get all elbows and knees about it, puts her hair behind her ear so many times you start counting ears, and it's like: Deal. With. It. Kristine interviews: "Come on, Nicole. I did everything else." And ordinarily on this show, or anywhere really, that's such a laughable overstatement that we're trained to sneer at it, but it occurred to me just now that Kristine actually did everything. She's not lying about that. Nicole's whole job was to turn on the whatever it is that makes her worthwhile, that thing not even Arrow could properly describe, and Kristine did everything else. That's the deal, right? Kristine looks amazing as she introduces the stuff and the gold and the whatever. She makes a quick misstep about how their plan focuses on overall luxury -- "they don't wanna hear about the faucets" -- and Trump looks up from the brochure: "Um, they totally do? It's a condo?" She covers brilliantly that she's talking about creating an event, a tease, a hype -- it's a 24-hour event that will give them all the opportunities in the world to notice the faucets. Of course, as she's executing this maneuver, Nicole's shrieking everything she says about 1.5 seconds after she says it, so they go down flaming. Frank laughs uproariously in his OTF about how much bad they're bombing. Honey, you don't know from bombing. Nicole screaming screaming screaming, something in there where she says "to the best of the abilities," which is a dubious little phrase in any context. Especially coming out of her mouth.

Nicole abruptly stutters out a command and then cuts to the video, which is still refusing to work right. Trump shakes his head sadly, calling it a "broken-down technical thing," the worst he's ever seen. Heidi stares at the video, which goes on and on and on, it's like tacky off-brand Sims running around being boring. There's an awesome cut to Trump looking more bored than ten Ivankas, and then he notices something: Hollywood Chicken Bowl and Fairly Middlin', their brochures list different numbers. I have made a list of why this is not worth mentioning.

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