Las Vegas, Baby!

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now!
Lesson Twelve: Go With Your Gut

Nicole makes her awful martyr faces and screams at the camera about how this is all Kristine's fault, if she goes home, and meanwhile inside, Kristine admits that she left Nicole sleeping because she's an asshole, and when Trump asks if she did the brochure, she cops to it. And the video. And everything. Because that was the deal, and Nicole's was the magic. And just then, who comes sweeping into the room with the most malicious, victimized, whiny screaming but Nicole. "Well, it's not ours!" she shrieks. Like Trump is going to cosset her for failure. Fucked-up priorities. This is what I was talking about with Frank before: you haven't lost yet, bint, stop making excuses and blame-shifting when your team is still in the running. It's more important to her to somehow "take down" Kristine for the number than it is for her to win. It's more important for her to be victimized somehow than it is for her to be victorious. "It's not a even a Trump affiliate, to be honest with you," she huffs and harrumphs and bitches, as she sits. Cobra. First of all: not true, moron. Second of all: not the point, and you should be backtracking like hell to point out that the phone number is meaningless. Nicole offers Trump the opinion (she was sleeping, so it's not a verifiable fact) that Kristine herself mistyped the number that is not actually a wrong number. Trump can only repeat himself in the face of all this nasty neediness: "I liked the brochure, but the presentation sucked."

TEAM GOOFUS & GALLANT. Trump pretends he and Frank have something in common: "Show me a man from the Bronx can present!" he yells, and then Heidi shows him that a girl from Michigan cannot. Like reeeeeeally cannot. I won't even call shenanigans, because you can't manufacture this. It's like watching Nate Fisher go down in a ten-minute NARM. She tells weird random lie-facts that Trump corrects, throwing her off even more ("the ground was broken on Tower I a year ago, I stand corrected"), with a scary, scared smile. Um, cobra. Why prolong it? She suddenly does the same thing as Nicole, tossing it to Frank with a wicked out-of-the-blue right hook: "We have somewhat of a pitch [ouch] for you; Frank has prepared a presentation... " Frank's eyes go very very wide, and then very very shifty, as he realizes that Heidi has, for some reason, fucked him into next week.

"HOLY SHIT! What is going on over here? It's a two-minute presentation, then the video. There is none of this: Hi, and here's our video. I thought she might choke and fold under pressure, and she did!" I can't disagree with him. But part of being a team is working like a team. Maybe she caught something off Trump's glare that made it clear she needed to engage him more and show him his beautiful things, maybe she honestly choked, maybe she realized her Playboy stuff might come out if she won the show, maybe she hates Frank, maybe she realized that most of her speech was actually recapitulation of the video, who knows. She dicked it up, though, and you can tell she knows it. So if you're on a team, you act like you're on a team, and show the video, and that's what he does, without a break of any consequence (that we see) before kicking it to the video. WHICH IS AWFUL. There's a whole bit deleted from the boardroom where Trump and Don rake his ass over the coals about the shitty video: the shaking camera, the crappy lighting, the unprofessional everything in what Frank charmingly calls their "visual tour." But we're telling a story. This is writing: you assemble everything and then whittle, right? So they've got four days of nearly 24-hour footage to make 42 minutes out of, they gotta leave stuff out. But if all the stuff you leave out is the same stuff every time, that's an agenda, even if you don't know it. Especially if what you do have time for is an accumulated ten minutes of "visual tour" of Trump's amazing penis in gold-covered building and sky-violating jet formats. Women suck, Trump's rock hard and huge. Connection?

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