Apprentice
Las Vegas, Baby!

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Lesson Twelve: Go With Your Gut

Heidi comes into the mansion crazed, just out of it and over the moon, and Nicole can immediately tell that Tim's gone. Heidi cuts loose with the "distracted" label, and Nicole screeches horrifically; Heidi revels in telling Kinetic about Frank's (pretty gorgeous and a little bit shocking) "wet behind the ears" speech, but before she can get to the part where Nicole's a bad risk based on any rubric imaginable, we cut to the Yard. Where James is telling Frank that Nicole is a worthless whore who should be tossing herself off the mansion's balconies, and if she doesn't, she deserves to be stoned to death for "heartlessness." Which means that A) he doesn't get Nicole, B) he doesn't get Tim, and C) he doesn't get this show, relationships, or much about women and men, and how they're equally able to separate their emotions from the task at hand, being of equal intellectual ability. Unless they're Nicole, so maybe he has a point, but I sincerely doubt if it had gone the other way he'd be sitting out here in the dark speculating as to Tim's heartlessness in the context of a shitty television game show. Frank spots a mouse, and everybody freaks out before anybody can contradict or otherwise interrogate this brainless conversation. No, what I mean to say is that we're only given one contextless line of James's no-doubt way less ugly speech, because we're telling a story here, not watching an actual conversation with flow or sequence.

"Start the fire! Immediately!" screams Frank wonderfully, and everybody jumps into action and yells about the mouse, and Stefani squeals and jumps up on a box. "Camp has become dilapidated, disgusting, dirty, and difficult to live in!" says Stefani, proving once again that alliteration is something all good orators, which she is, have at the ready. "I'm tired of living outside!" she newsflashes, then lists all the creatures, hilariously, with which she has had to deal: wasps, the current mouse, lizards, a spider in her bed! It's the fact that she's standing regally, up on a box, in night vision, with perfect hair, screaming out the names of the beasts in her most lovely voice, like she's announcing the guests at a garden party for the queen. "Lord and Lady Wasp! The Viscount of All Mice! The Lizards of Huntington Moor! A Spider In My Bed, Esq.!" With, like, a trumpet with a flag hanging down. Frank leaves her stranded to go put on his Sleepy Suit and forget about the creature party, and Stefani does the Hot Lava Tarantella after him. Cute. Some time later, the phones ring. Kinetic are all like, "Honestly?"

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Apprentice

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