Apprentice
Las Vegas, Baby!

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Twelve: Go With Your Gut

How Heidi Answers: "Hello, this is Heidi."
How Stefani Answers: "Hello, this is Arrow."

Winner Of This Round: Stefani, via Trump, and thus how we're meant to view this show: never you, always the team, meaning always him.

But Arrow and Kinetic are: Pretend. Whereas Heidi and Stefani are not.

Andie's wearing a low-cut light blue number and grey eyeshadow, and takes time out of her busy schedule, which this week includes: polishing her shiny knives, thinking about the trade deficit, and worrying about Matt Saracen. (Believe me when I say you must be vigilant, lest that last become a full-time preoccupation. It nearly happened to me!) She puts on a gorgeous smile and relates the following pieces of news to Heidi and "Arrow": Four (4) members of Arrow moving into the house, hence the last scene; zero (0) tents ever again in this stupid season, now that the Yard has taken out most of the contenders and my beloved Derek; one (1) short pause while Stefani hops three (3) feet in the air and says "Awesome!"; one (1) reshuffle into three (3) teams of two (2) candidates; and complete and total PM-less anarchy from here on out. The Final Six are now leaderless: will they step up and lead themselves to victory? Or will they lead Trump into such complicated webs of logic that he shorts out and craps on them for no reason? Only time will tell. Twenty minutes from now.

Heidi's like, "Hide the breakables and put down slipcovers! Arrow's on their way in!" Kristine's like, "I literally could not care less. Nicole's been here a 'week' already, so that weird Salisbury steak smell was here to stay either way." Heidi tells Kristine and Nicole the rest of the news, and they're all pretty Ivanka about it. Meanwhile, outside, several disturbing things are happening.

James: "The hardest part is this, now: We're not going to be Arrow anymore!"
Jacob: "You never were! Get out of the crazy!"
Drunk Frank: "I hate to live inside! I want to stay outside forever in my Sleepy Suit! Inside is stupid! We have beer and a fire, what else do we need?! I'm going to go pee in the perennials one more time before we go. God!"
Then: [He starts to cry. I'm not kidding.]

They all toast their imaginary team that never existed and say they're friends for life. "Forever!" says Stefani, but I think what she meant to say was, "How forever are we?", because in this case, her usual up-speaking girly-talk confusion about declaratives/interrogatives would actually be closer to the truth. Inside, Kristine's like, "Fuck it. I'm not even standing up when their dirty asses come in here." Nicole furrows her brow and growl-screeches, "Me neither!" For no reason! Why are you like this, Nicole? Frank enters, singing off-key, as you knew he would, then shouting and bellying up to the table and annoying the girls, as you knew he would, then trying to take command of the quote "sit down," as you knew he would, and then getting roundly ignored by everybody. And you know what, I'm not going to lie. Coming inside did wonders for him, he looks better than he's looked this whole time. Almost there. I'm not going to say anything that could indict me, but I will say: almost there. Shocking. But you know what they say about the biggest room in the world. James immediately decides to cast the having of alliances as a sign of character, like, "I say we just put our cards on the table. I have always known, and not gone to much effort to show, that I would fuck anybody over in this game except Stefani, who I will easily beat in the final. So it's me stepping up and being more forthright than all of you to say, once again, that I choose Stefani for my partner."

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Apprentice

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