Apprentice
Las Vegas, Baby!

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Twelve: Go With Your Gut

Nicole: "Are you kidding me right now? Mr. Trump doesn't mess around!" They talk about how "gorgeous" and "unbelievable" everything is. And here's what we've got. Wood paneling. Abstract paintings in gilt frames. Actually, I was going to make a whole list, but there it is, like a diamond in pig slop: "Abstract paintings in gilt frames," on an airplane. Nicole: "Mr. Trump, I am impressed." He's not even around. She's just addressing the air in front of her regrettable face. It's like praying. "Mr. Trump's jet is like, awesome! Total reminder for why I'm here! This is the life! Mr. Trump is the high life! That's what you're working so hard towards! Is to be a part of Mr. Trump's life!" You know those pictures in Highlights where it's like, there's a tree, and a tire swing, and a cat asleep, but in the other picture, the cat has a black spot and the tire is Goodyear and not Firestone? And you got one minute to count them all? Listening to Nicole talk about what "life" is all about is just like that, only next to it, there's reality.

And yet Frank, I give a pass. I don't know why. I think Nicole is capable of better, so she pisses me off, but I think Frank is doing awesome with what he's got to work with. It's not about different or double standards quite so much as the fact that I love oranges, but have never cared for apples. Frank: "This is insane! This is sick!" I agree with the letter, if not the spirit, of his comments. Stefani agrees it's pretty cool. Frank stares at everything, all the shiny things, all the bullshit luxury. Heidi works. Kristine is like, what's Trump about? Covering things in tacky gold, and thrusting up toward the heavens, because he's confused about the location of his manhood. "Gold has never...been so high?" Nicole's like, "I love it!" I hate it. What does that even mean? Gold Has Never Been So High. Whatever, sales confuses me always. Nicole "explains" that "Anything Trump touches 'ultimately' turns to gold. The man loves gold! We have to stick to a concept surrounded by gold!" So very Arrow: a concept, surrounded by gold. (It's a palindrome!) No, actually, sadly: Trump is a concept, surrounded by gold. Nothing behind it. Weak and dumb and afraid, but surrounded by gold. This is like some kind of fairy tale where Ivanka turns out to be made of snow or something. Nicole is not wrong to call attention to the mythic proportions of the Trump issue.

Stefani and James agree that the brochure is the most important part -- it's not, but they're the only ones this episode with their act together in any way, and we're going to edit how the brochure doesn't matter out of the episode anyway -- and James yells across the plane about how Frankie's a "development man" and thus cannot embarrass himself by failing at this task. Because what neither Frank nor Nicole seems to understand is that "designing a promotional campaign" has verrrry little to do with selling or constructing buildings, although the wide difference and skill set between the two activities does seem self-evident. "Product knowledge" is important, but it's not a catch-all. Frank is adorable some more; it's weird. James shrieks at him about how "no pressure, buddy!" and "isn't this the most amazing plane you have ever seen?" and whatever, "look at the shiny thing!" -- and the only person who gets what he's doing, which is in-your-face sabotage, is Heidi. "Frank, focus. Don't get distracted by him!" By the time she finishes saying this, Frank is out on the wing of the jet doing the watusi and playing Scrabble with the dirty pigeons. He literally runs from one end of the jet to the other, touching everything and saying random words. He's like the microcephalics at the beginning of that movie Freaks. He's like Irene's Lyme disease. Heidi: "He's FIVE." He runs around explaining everything to his teddy bear and doing jumping jacks and showing James how far he can jump and how he can do ten pull-ups, maybe more, and James is loving it, and over in the corner, Heidi is slowly...losing...her...mind.

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Apprentice

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