Apprentice
Laugh On

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So Long, Sweetie
use his primary donors were giving money specifically to his charity, Painted Turtle. He says he can't gamble this money, so Star tells him to rely on her. She says she'll fight for them to keep their winnings even if they lose, like they did with the art show. Backbone arrives at their war room trailer the next morning and starts collecting donations with their credit card machines. In the ASAP trailer, Star calls Trump and asks if they can keep the money for Meat Loaf's charity even if they lose. Trump tells them that takes away the incentive to win, which is what this show's about. He tells Meat Loaf to think about it this way: If his team wins, he gets even more money for his charity; and he needs to look at his money going to someone else's charity as a good thing too. But Meat Loaf cries some more and says he just won't gamble this money. Does this mean he's going to quit, too? Or at least not include those donations in his winnings?

Backbone's trailer. The Jo(h)ns are hitting up their donors again to make sure their money comes in. La Toya's very disappointed with her donors, because she thought she'd bring in a million-dollar donor. Rich has another friend show up and give him $20,000 cash. Then Jimmy Fallon shows up to help out with the comedy show, but he also donates another $10,000. Then he picks up Rich's guitar and starts singing a song about Celebrity Apprentice. It's called, You're Fiyered, [sic] and is actually pretty cute. In ASAP's trailer, Meat Loaf is still crying and Marlee's trying to talk him through it. She tells him he has to change his attitude and try to win. Star tells him to start focusing on the comedy show. Meat Loaf credits Star and Marlee with keeping him going, and now he's starting to feel like he might win.

At the comedy club, Meat Loaf's trying to rehearse introducing the comedians, and it's not great. Marlee interviews that Meat Loaf really showed his weakness today, and there's just no time for that. Backbone's rehearsing their show, too. La Toya's super excited and thinks her team is going to do a fabulous job. People start showing up at the comedy club, including, weirdly, Kevin Kline and Phoebe Cates. Meat Loaf stops crying long enough to come out and introduce the show. Star says she's never seen anyone go from crying and worrying to taking command of the stage. He even throws around some f-bombs, so you know he's commanding it.

Comedy time. No one's funny, but the laughing montage would make you believe otherwise. At the end of their comedy show, Meat Loaf introduces the Tracy Morgan clip, which isn't funny at all. Even Marlee says so. Then it's Marlee's turn to do her bit. It's all about the crazy things that have happened to her because she's deaf, and it's sort of cute. Meat Loaf closes the show by saying his name's Meat Loaf, and it's a lot better than being called "Dick." Or, you know, Marvin. They celebrate themselves after the show, except Meat Loaf, who's still stressing out about losing that money for Painted Turtle.

Backbone's turn. La Toya introduces the show, which is also not funny but there is another laughing audience montage. Okay, there is one funny joke, in which an Italian comic says rappers stole the Italians' schtick, "Gangster" and big ugly gold jewelry. Then Rich introduces Jimmy Fallon. Lil Jon interviews that "it's on like popcorn" (whatever that means) after they introduced Jimmy. Fallon is, of course, funny. ("Have a mimosa, and call up Omarosa.") Although team Backbone stands awkwardly on the stage with him the whole time, and I'm not sure why. But they all sing along, as does the audience. Jimmy Fallon gives them the final thank-you. La Toya interviews that she feels so good about her team, which she hasn't felt before on this show, but she's still worried about whether they raised enough money.

Boardroom time. Only an hour in, which means we must have at least a second task going on. Trump asks Meat Loaf if he's recovered from his phone call, and Meat Loaf starts crying again and says he's not okay. Trump explains to everyone what happened. Jim Cramer's looking at Meat Loaf like he's a wimp. Meat Loaf explains how much he has an emotional attachment to his charity, which they'd all have if they'd been there and seen how it's run. Trump says he called Trump, not because he wanted to quit, and everyone agrees. Then Trump repeats what he told them on the phone: They're about charity, but even more about winning. Meat Loaf says he didn't quit, and he didn't give back any of the donations. He says these two ladies supported him tremendously. Trump asks if he's happy with the switch, and Meat Loaf says that he understands the reason people might not like Star: because they don't work like her. Trump asks Marlee what she thinks of Meat Loaf. She says he's a gem, and is so happy she got to know him, and that having him has changed the dynamic of their team.

Trump asks Jim Cramer what strengths he saw with Meat Loaf's team. Jim Cramer says Meat Loaf was in control, and wanted to make his team look good. Jim Cramer says he wanted to be part of that team. Uh-oh. Please don't put him on the next season. Trump says it's time to talk about NeNe. He says the fact is she quit, gave in, gave up, which has happened a couple of previous times on the Apprentice franchise. He says those people have always called and told him it's their biggest mistake ever, because everyone calls them a loser and a quitter. So he says "You're fired" to NeNe, even though she's not there. He tells her that Star Jones kicked her ass, whether she likes it or not. Puppemaster Star nods approvingly. Ivanka says it's a shame that Hope lost the opportunity to be here because they saw something in NeNe. Trump says the word "potential" doesn't mean shit, because he's been hearing about it all his life and it usually means someone who isn't performing. But Trump thinks it's fine, and the way life is.

Trump asks La Toya how her team did. She says they did great, and both of the Jo(h)ns were stars. She says Lil Jon brought in money and performed. Trump asks who brought in Jimmy Fallon, and La Toya credits Rich. They all praise Jimmy Fallon. Trump asks Lil Jon how La Toya did as project manager. He says she did very well. She came in and delegated and led the team. Trump says that he didn't know much about her starting this show, but she's definitely earned respect from him. The Jo(h)ns agree that La Toya's awesome, and that the word "backbone" is appropriate for her because she's got a lot of fight. Trump says she's smart, like her brother, which a lot of people didn't realize about her brother, but which Trump knew "better than anybody." Better than anybody? Trump and his superlatives. Good God. Trump asks how it was without Meat Loaf. Rich says they missed him, since the three guys bonded so much working together all of these weeks. Trump says that if Backbone wins, they're going to devastate their friend, Meat Loaf. He asks Rich if he thinks they beat him. Rich says it was hard to say on the third fundraising challenge, but he thinks they have a competitive number. Trump agrees.

Then he asks Ivanka how La Toya did. She says La Toya was enthused and energetic to be back. He asks if she was impressed with the Jo(h)ns, and Ivanka says she always is. Trump agrees they're impressive, and Meat Loaf chimes in, in agreement. Trump teases Lil Jon they're going to ruin his reputation, then tells Cramer that Lil Jon's teeth are worth "a freaking fortune." John Rich then tells Meat Loaf that, as his friend, he promises he'll match whatever Meat Loaf raised, personally, if Meat Loaf loses so that his charity won't lose any of that money. That's how much he thinks of Meat Loaf, who -- of course -- starts crying as he and Rich grab hands across the table. I never thought I'd feel this way in my life, but how can a person not like a guy like John Rich? That is a sweet, sweet gesture, and not a s

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Apprentice

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