Now give yourself one million points for each "Yes" answer. Way to go!
Trump tells us how he's built many companies in the last hundred years, and he really needs people to run them. Makes sense, except why only choose one a year? There's some lip service to Bill, Kelly, and Kendra as "invaluable," and some shots of them looking very good at their jobs. Trump then comes running at you from Trump Tower screamingly crazily about how he needs a TOUGH NEGOTIATOR and a DYNAMIC LEADER AN APPRENTICE!
He hops in a Song plane and continues to scream at us about how there are eighteen candidates, and how they might go nuts and break under the pressure. We cut immediately to Melissa, whose main claim to strength here is the preparation she received from playing sophomore softball. No, I'm not kidding.
Randal is 34, and the President and CEO of BCT Partners, a consulting firm he founded. He was born in Philadelphia and was raised in Hightstown, NJ. Like most of the competitors this year, he was a star athlete and is a big Christian. He tells us about his five academic degrees in engineering, business, and technology, which include a B.S. from Rutgers University, an M.S. from the University of Oxford in England as a Rhodes Scholar, and an M.S., M.B.A., and Ph.D. from MIT. If you missed that, wait a second, because we'll hear about them a whole lot this year. He seems nice, quiet, and mellow, which makes him stand out.
Alla came from Russia penniless, was a stripper, and drove a man crazy with her wiles until he stalked her and eventually killed a bunch of people in a string of botched robberies trying to please her. Now she's a Vegas-living, spa-owning millionaire. She's also one of the smartest tacks in the box, and I love her, and I need her to write her autobiography, stat. She's a somewhat rough-looking 31, born and raised in Chisinau, the capital of Moldavia, and moved to the U.S. in 1988. By 19 she bought her first property, and at 23 was one of the youngest "pioneers of the spa boom," which I didn't know about before.
The candidates meet at Trump National, a world-class golf course he's still screaming about, to discuss THE DREAM JOB OF A LIFETIME. A wee man in a taxi (this is Brian, 23, who has succeeded outrageously in every industry from publishing to internet startups to real estate) looks nervous, and everybody looks nervous, including myself as Trump continues to shriek: WHO WILL SUCCEED? WHO WILL FAIL AND WHO WILL BE THE APPRENTICE? Seriously, I feel like I'm about to get whacked when he does that. By a werewolf who's in the Mob.