Let's Get Physical

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B+ | 2 USERS: A-
Lesson One: Don't Make People Hate You

The candidates stand awkwardly for awhile, and Clay tells us that being openly gay will somehow be a "huge advantage" because "it's not a big deal." He feels that the guys will not be threatened and that the girls will instantly want to be his best friend. This seems disingenuous in many ways, but maybe I'm biased because of his interview stuff, which all reads very "small-town Texas gay" to me, which is a subject I'm fairly familiar with. He hates Kendra for being uppity, and Carolyn for being a yes-lady who needs a man to tell her what to do, which is suspicious, but then there's also this list:

Michael Bublé, Norah Jones, Mariah Carey, Rob Thomas, Moby, Gretchen Wilson; the Shopoholic series; Friends, HGTV, TLC, The Biggest Looser [sic], I Love Lucy, Extreme Home Makeover; Under The Tuscan Sun, Love Actually, Steel Magnolias, and The Birdcage. I surmise and will bet you cash money that his home is a split level with champagne carpet containing: unique shelving, at least one large vase with nature crap coming out of it, framed photos of his mother, lots of warm colors including a burgundy or burnt umber couch, a Pottery Barn explosion, kitsch Lucille Ball memorabilia up to and including refrigerator magnets, constant quoting of Mama's Family rather than Grey Gardens, and a deep and abiding respect for Patricia Heaton. It's not gay, it's just Texas.

Markus tells us how he and Trump "have a lot in common" and are "kindred spirits" and that he's confident they'll be business partners "at some point." It's heartbreaking, this, because if you locate your power or manhood outside yourself, you're never going to feel complete. If he could just become best friends with Trump, Bill Rancic, or Tony Robbins, he'd somehow finally get a girlfriend, not to mention wads of cash, because he's intuited that he's missing something but he thinks he can get it by osmosis, instead of how you actually get it, which is by shutting the hell up for five seconds and considering your own faults and how to address them. He's a martyr of wussiness and he wants to play with the big boys, and can't understand why for 41 years, he's always been picked last for the team. Which is…why he's always picked last for the team.

The candidates walk purposefully below us toward Trump, as an American flag floats bravely in the foreground. Trump appears and introduces the group to the Viceroys, George Ross and Carolyn Kepcher, whom he calls "two very famous people." Carolyn, always beautiful, is really great-looking today, because not only is her hair sassier and less severe, she's also smiling for once.

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