Apprentice
Life In The Luxury Lane

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Lesson Seven: Sometimes The Joke Is Not On You

Cut to the sad little go-kart track, which is like smaller than your living room, and Randal standing out there like a Scandinavian fisherman, waiting for death to come, staring at the horrible little go-karts going around and around, and the sad go-kart music, and it's just the best thing that's ever happened on this show, beanpole cadaverous Randal standing like the sad king of a dying go-kart kingdom, watching it fall to the enemy all around him. Jenn's interviewed defense: "We entertained...about half the people...a lot." Yeah, the ones that were high and wandered in from the medical testing facility next door, they loved it. Jenn laughs with a pretty customer about how lame and random the go-karts are, and how they're not designed to be driven in a skirt and heels, and yet here we all are, doing what we should not. BUT WE'RE NOT DONE! No, because this is when the magician shows up. MAGICIAN. No lie. Derek goes, "So this guy who looks like Yanni on crack shows up, and I'm thinking, 'That's gotta be the illusionist. You know he's going to do some freaky crap because he looks like freaky.'" I have nothing to add to that. It is exactly what he is describing, although I personally would say that the guy is not only yucky in the way that magicians are yucky, but adds a personal yuckiness to it. He looks like, I don't even know, he looks like a bi-curious polyamorist, with the hair and the whole thing. He looks like John Oates crossed with Kenny G, and he's doing magic. In public!

Arrow: Frankie Suits, talking into the mic, not fucking it up finally, and James finishing up the test drive track, and the old people driving scarily, and the car parking itself. All the old people hold their hands up in the air when the car parks itself. Every single damned one of them. How old and rich do you have to be before that's your version of a rollercoaster? Miss Daisies raising the roof. Needless to say, I would do exactly the same. For the first time I actually want the thing that this stupid show wants me to want. Stefani wraps it up, and they clap, and she -- again, worrisome -- lets us know that she is into taking credit for her and Frank only, and that if Surya comes after her, she will "crush him." C.f. the whole thing about how Derek gets a pass from me, above. Stefani! Crush him! I'm twice the hypocrite when it's Stefani, who I love, versus Surya, who I despise. Speaking of, Nicole is of course jaw-dropped in awe of the thing: "That's just SICK! That a car! Could PARK ITSELF! Are you kidding me?" But again: valid. I for once am on Nicole's side: this is objectively amazing. If you threw the Lexus LS666 or whatever, if you threw this sedan into a lake, it would float. That's all I'm saying. The Lexus Self-Parking Sedan is a witch.

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Apprentice

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