Apprentice
Life In The Luxury Lane

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Lesson Seven: Sometimes The Joke Is Not On You

I swear to you this is what happens next. "Arrow, after creating a great promotional campaign for Lexus, you'll be spending some time with Snoop Dogg." Those words come out of Donald Trump's mouth. Kristine and Heidi are sad; I almost passed out with the fucked-up awesome weirdness of this episode right then. Derek needs a hug, also. Trump...explains how our popular perception of Snoop is that he is not "a great guy," and that he's "wild," and not "smart" or "tough" or a "businessman," and I don't think he means our perception of Snoop as a person, because I've always thought all those things were true, but this is Donald Trump, he's still getting used to the idea of black people. Think I'm lying? "In addition to being a great musician. For shizzle." FOR SHIZZLE, says DONALD TRUMP. I was like, "Did I have a stroke and the last thing I will see while I'm smelling toast is my most fantasy episode of The Apprentice? What a total fucking gyp, insofar as in addition to having a stroke, my last thing is watching an episode of mental Apprentice. On the other hand, that means I'm making out with Derek in a few minutes, and I've always liked the smell of toast." But alas, it was all an illusion: Surya's still PM, and will be a-Viceroying, and that would never happen in my dream.

Kinetic has their usual pretend sadness about the reward, and Muna talks about how Jenn is not detail-oriented. And I don't have a problem with Muna and I don't feel likely to, but I think maybe the deal with Muna is that she thinks "detail-oriented" is like, an example of a personality. Because that's all I know about Muna: details and hilarious bitching under her breath at all times. Derek and Kristine agree about how Jenn doesn't know about details, like letting workhorse Angela suddenly hang for creative, there's a detail, or like Kristine and whatever the fuck she was doing this week, or any week. What does she do? Wears those glasses, snarks around with Derek about how stupid the PM is. What a fabulous life. I'd live in tents for that, for a couple weeks maybe. Muna brings up the go-karts and how doomful they were, and Derek is like, "Jenn's going to have to defend the go-karts." He lets us in on his subtle plan to get the whole team to blame Jenn, and I wonder: since that's Kinetic every single boardroom, does that also mean that Derek's the one planning this every single week? Because that's hot.

At the studio of Snoop, Surya pulls a TOTAL FUCKING SEAN and talks about how this reward is meaningless to everyone on Earth and is basically a love letter to him from fate, because he's the hugest fan of Snoop Dogg all the time, and this is like a personal song and dance drama fantasy for him, because of how much he loves Snoop Dogg. And I guarantee you that if this were Shania Twain, or Eminem, or Garbage, or Sixpence None The Richer, he would be saying the same goddamn thing, and that's why I hate Surya. And the more I talk about it, the more I think he's going to win this bitch. Gross. I'm so sure you love Snoop, Surya. Frank does a goofy stupid dance with a cigar and a glass of classy champagne, and Snoop forces James to freestyle (and while pretending to do so, James bites off Will Smith, of all people, which makes him almost as hilarious as Surya), and Nicole gloms onto the biggest bodyguard guy she can find, and nobody likes James's rapping, and Frank finally grabs the mic after some liberal champagne, and Snoop dances around as he raps, and I don't know. You guys know how hard these music tasks are for me. I don't even really remember this part very well. I must have just left the room or gone to vomit or something. Here are my notes:

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Apprentice

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