Apprentice
Apprentice

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B- | 665 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Lesson Five: Swing When You're Winning

Segue: A parade. Parades. Yuck. The hyper Apprentice music goes along with the parade, and that was pretty clever. First thing on Brian's mind is to "brand the name as much as possible." Whoa, is he psychic? How did he know that's the most important thing? Brian wants to set up an audio track on the float that says the name over and over. James and his dimples think this will be great. There's an unending montage of the fellows doing lots of wood shop -- planing, lathing, painting, machining, what have you, those are the words I know -- and Josh makes this awesome shiny giant swirly ball that Brian truly loves. Brian wants us to "feel the experiences these boys will have" as we look at the float. There is a lot of spray-painting action and everybody's wearing hazmat suits so you can't tell who anybody is, except for Markus, because he's standing there staring into space. Brian calls him over once, and then louder, and Markus does that jackass-looking slow-walk over there. Brian's like, "Do you want to see if there's any paint help you can do?" Markus makes a totally angry face, like he's disgusted by this, and says, "Do what?" Brian's like, "Anything, um...painting-wise?" Markus just shakes his head and wanders away, terribly affronted at being asked to something other than stand and stare at nothing.

Brian interviews about how Markus is "a huge pain in the ass" and always has been, and I think after five tasks, he's qualified to make this call, the Frat Boys' abuse of him notwithstanding. "If he's wandering around doing nothing, he offers no service to the team," Brian explains, which makes it particularly hard on the PM. Later, Brian wants to order food for everybody. Clay wants Mexican, Markus wants to stand around staring at nothing. Brian's like, "Markus, you're good at this. Get us Chinese food." Josh and James are separately like, "Oh, boy," because they know Brian just started a conversation he's not going to be able to ever, ever finish. Markus, instead of doing anything, gets this intransigent look on his face: "How am I good at it?" Josh and Clay roll their eyes, because everything Markus does involves wasting the time of as many people as he can, and it's horribly irritating. Brian's all, "Uh, you're good at ordering...food?" Markus, stepping back from the shit he just indicated he was going to talk, goes into fnur fnur mode: "You're the PM. You tell me to do something, I'll do it." So why are you bitching? Just do it. Clay -- because he really has no sense of fine-tuned social dynamics like this -- yells, "I want sesame chicken!" Markus throws this very pissy finger into the air and yells, "What I do not do is...take orders verbally. I'll go get the menu." He wanders off at a snail's pace, in the wrong direction, wearing a clown suit, talking to himself, trying to fit his entire fist into his mouth, humming "Mmm-Bop," with a thumb in his ear. Everybody yells, "Markus!" He waves and continues galumphing off as slowly as a goddamn person can walk.

Apprentice

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