Diane, I'm afraid that I have something unpleasant to report. Bob has struck again, this time possessing the body of one Kristi Apprentice, Trump Tower. It's the only explanation that makes sense. First there was Melissa: crazy, couldn't work with anybody, shrill, petty, interrupty. (There was also Markus, I don't think that has to do with Bob, and Jen W., but I don't remember who that is.) Then there was Toral: totally balls-out crazy, couldn't work with anybody, shrill, petty, interrupty, and horrible. And nowâ¦Kristi. Shrill, petty, negative, condescending, and can't work with anybody. Which we knew, yes, she's always been a headache and she's always been a bore, but...I'm not surprised, I'm just kinda sad. For the third week in a row Melissa speaks through a candidate about how the other women are just jealous, intimidated, et cetera. Argh.
The task this week: create a scale model parade float advertising Zathura, which is of course Jon Favreau's movie based on Chris Van Allsburg's Jumanji-sequel version of Scarlett. Wow, I hope Robin Williams can ruin the fuck out of this one too. The Project Managers are Wee Brian for Excel, and Jennifer for Capital Edge. But in actuality, the Project Managers are Marshawn and Randal for Capital Edge, and The Bob-Less Fact That Excel Works Well Together for Excel.
Markus bumbles around doing nothing for awhile, then wants to have a big whinefest with Brian, who's already not having it, but it gets way worse when Josh gets involved. SeÃ±or Droolcup has, shall we say, a mind that wanders, and how bad it is, is Josh's personal barometer for how tired and bitchy he's feeling at any given moment. It's just ugly, and stupid, and everything's seams are showing because these people haven't slept since September. E.g., Kristi! Where does this attitude of general unpleasantness come from? If you don't want two black eyes on a regular basis, I suggest you make some kind of peace with teamwork. From her initial attack on Jennifer minutes before their (bloodbath of a) presentation, through a complete lack of understanding of what her betters are trying to tell her (shut and up feature prominently), and ending in a hideous boardroom (and an even more hideous foyer moment), Kristi's class breakdown in the face of getting called on her shit would make your blood run cold, if it surprised you at all, which it didn't, because that's just me, that liked her. She goes from mad tough to bad tough in no time at all.
Where Jennifer's from, the birds sing a pretty song, and there's always music in the air, but they can't so muchâ¦read, particularly the word "Zathura," which is like the only thing she needed to remember, which has no silent letters or slippery diphthongs to confuse the tongue or swizzle the senses, but which she mangles so very many times, in so very many ways, that she actually cracks up Carolyn (and Bill Rancic, who's in for George this week, and just as fascinating and effervescent as ever).
I won't be telling you about the Excel team's reward just yet, because it was a nightmare for real, but I will say that Jennifer is so icked out by Kristi -- and egged on by James from Excel -- that she doesn't bother bringing anybody else back in, just five seconds of Kristi, you remind me today of a small Mexican chihuahua and then just straight-up Bob, eager for fun, wearing a smile, everybody run, and you can't even believe how nasty the viper under all that cuteness really is. (Well, you probably could. She didn't fool you. But I was shocked.) She and Jennifer freak out on each other in a totally undignified way, and just when you think you might die -- maybe of tension, probably of boredom -- Kristi's fired. Wrapped in plastic. It's done.
We begin with Mark, James, Adam, and Brian waiting up in the living room and gossiping. Mark, charmingly, characterizes the Toral ouster as "the blondes versus the brunettes," and Brian and James both feel that last week's PM, Felisha, is the one going home. Adam smiles and giggles like an infant throughout this conversation. Mark gets up on a high horse, like any good cowboy, explaining that it's "all about team dynamics," which explains why Excel keeps winning. Yeah, because their dynamic is all about crapping on Markus all the time. For which I blame them not at all, but Capital Edge has been unlucky in that each week their scapegoat gets sent home, and they (and the show's editors) spend like the entire episode figuring out who the new "problem" is. Right now, they say, the women are all "acting like sorority girls that got caught sleeping with each other's boyfriends." Well, I would say more like "eleven-year-old girls that got caught crushing on each other's chosen Hobbit" or whatever, but close enough.
Everybody returns to the suite and all the guys are excited to see them; the boys ask about what happened -- hoping, I'm sure, for more stories of Toral's insanity -- and Kristi's all, "Ladies, let's go back to the bedroom." She does this in a mildly off-putting way, but it definitely gets everybody on track and reminds the men of their place, which is not all up in Capital Edge's business. James is like, "That sounds fun, we'll be right there," and Felisha laughs.
Rebecca interviews that the team has decided to leave things in the Boardroom, having their team meetings in the evening, so that they can be "fresh and new" for the next task. Kristi addresses the group in a pretty even tone, underscoring that they need to leave the past in the past: "Task number five is a new beginning -- bring what you have to the table and don't hold back." Marshawn adds that they might also try cutting out the "back-talking" and general nastiness behind people's backs. "At the end of the day, it hurts us in our task." Kristi leads the pack in agreeing with this concept, which leads me to believe she didn't hear a word Marshawn said, because Marshawn, of course, was talking about her.
In the morning, Alla stumbles out to answer the really odd phone they have. Rona explains to her that "Mr. Trump is very busy today, but he'd like to meet you at 7:30 AM at Grand Army Plaza...Fifth Avenue, on the way to a meeting." Nothing makes me feel special like my boss meeting me at an intersection on his way to something actually important.