Apprentice
Lost In Space

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Jacob Clifton: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Five: Swing When You're Winning

Josh expresses great trepidation that Randal is gone, due to the fact that Randal has "our secret sauce" (which: ew) and knows "our process and protocol," but mostly I think he's worried about how he's going to constantly hug Randal if he's on another team. As if to rub it in, Felisha hugs Randal, and everybody hugs Randal, because everybody likes to hug Randal, okay?

Trump's Wisdom for this week is the best part of the entire episode: "Money Matters." Seriously, that's what he's going to share with us this week: "Generally, thumbs up on money." He seriously says that -- as backup for this claim -- "Money's important for a lot of reasons," and then fails to give any of them, only calling it a scorecard that tells you how you did. It also, he informs us, answers the question: "How much did I make?" While this bullshit is going on, Miss Universe (actual) and Linda Tripp (look-alike) watch him work and smile and are amazed by his virility as he yells into his speakerphone about nothing at all.

Brian tells us he's "stepping up to PM" and like, he's five-five, but super smoking hot, which makes it okay for him to be just as damn short as he likes, so no "step up" jokes. I'm looking at you, Trump. The Fav and Worldwide Marketing guy tell us about the movie, which is called Zathura, and it's basically a sequel to Jumanji only with spaceships instead of the jungle, but they don't tell us that. For some reason, I've noticed, the marketing's kind of ignoring the whole Jumanji aspect, especially of late, and I think that's weird, because even if you can't say Zathura, I bet you can say Jumanji. It's characterized by the execs as a "sci-fi family adventure," which means they can't just focus on marketing to kids, because it's a big movie the whole family can enjoy blah blah lies lies lies it's a dumb kids' movie and Jumanji sucked. Take an awesome kids' book, stir in a little Robin Williams, and then feel sorry for yourself about what you've just done.

Brian's like, "Tell us about the story of Zarutha," of course, and the Fav is all, "Uh, Zarutha?" Everybody laughs fakely as the Fav explains that "the elephant in the living room" (Jumanji who?) is that if you hear the name just one time you won't remember it, so you have to always say it right. "One of the main things is teaching people the name." Everybody's nervous now, which is a guarantee I'd keep saying it wrong like Tourette's guy, over and over. So if anybody happens to do that, in this episode, you'll understand why I'm a little more sympathetic than I should be. (But by that logic, does my turning a blind eye to Josh and Kristi's bullshit mean I'm...never mind, actually.) The execs explain that the trailer they're going to be seeing is basically just a short version of the beginning of the movie, and the Fav's like, "It's really about the relationship of this family" blah blah more lies, and Tim Robbins is the dad and I'm sure he's in it for five seconds, and during the trailer Josh is taking notes. About what? He tells us. "These two brothers find this board game, and their house becomes a spaceship."

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Apprentice

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