Apprentice
Lost In Space

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Lesson Five: Swing When You're Winning

After the trailer, all of Excel claps their hands -- seems idiotic, and the Fav's not buying it, but it's a corporate monkey thing, this automatic clapping, it's actually triggered not by the movie but by the lights coming back on -- so the Fav laughs at them for being kiss-asses. He has seen nothing yet.

Capital Edge, meanwhile, will be headed by Jennifer, who's "wanted to be PM from the start," and believes that she is here "to kick some major butt." She tells us she loves "managing," which is funny because she spends most of this episode in tears. She says, with 99% pride and 1% fear, that the other members of the team are "leaders." As they settle into the exec's presentation, Kristi's hair is all crazy with static, like she just put her sweater on backwards and then switched it around really quickly. Jennifer explains to us that the board game is "a focal part of the movie," and that the name of the movie "is the name of the game." Ironic, although she means the literal board game and not The Apprentice. The name of the movie is also the name of the planet the kids are headed to. The Fav again highlights the importance of the name, okay, are you on board? He explains how his agent almost failed to get him the job directing the movie after he misspoke and said the name wrong. If people don't know the name of the movie, he worries, they won't be able to go see it. And he won't make any money, and if we've learned anything this week, it's that Money Matters.

Segue: A parade. Parades. Yuck. The hyper Apprentice music goes along with the parade, and that was pretty clever. First thing on Brian's mind is to "brand the name as much as possible." Whoa, is he psychic? How did he know that's the most important thing? Brian wants to set up an audio track on the float that says the name over and over. James and his dimples think this will be great. There's an unending montage of the fellows doing lots of wood shop -- planing, lathing, painting, machining, what have you, those are the words I know -- and Josh makes this awesome shiny giant swirly ball that Brian truly loves. Brian wants us to "feel the experiences these boys will have" as we look at the float. There is a lot of spray-painting action and everybody's wearing hazmat suits so you can't tell who anybody is, except for Markus, because he's standing there staring into space. Brian calls him over once, and then louder, and Markus does that jackass-looking slow-walk over there. Brian's like, "Do you want to see if there's any paint help you can do?" Markus makes a totally angry face, like he's disgusted by this, and says, "Do what?" Brian's like, "Anything, um...painting-wise?" Markus just shakes his head and wanders away, terribly affronted at being asked to something other than stand and stare at nothing.

Brian interviews about how Markus is "a huge pain in the ass" and always has been, and I think after five tasks, he's qualified to make this call, the Frat Boys' abuse of him notwithstanding. "If he's wandering around doing nothing, he offers no service to the team," Brian explains, which makes it particularly hard on the PM. Later, Brian wants to order food for everybody. Clay wants Mexican, Markus wants to stand around staring at nothing. Brian's like, "Markus, you're good at this. Get us Chinese food." Josh and James are separately like, "Oh, boy," because they know Brian just started a conversation he's not going to be able to ever, ever finish. Markus, instead of doing anything, gets this intransigent look on his face: "How am I good at it?" Josh and Clay roll their eyes, because everything Markus does involves wasting the time of as many people as he can, and it's horribly irritating. Brian's all, "Uh, you're good at ordering...food?" Markus, stepping back from the shit he just indicated he was going to talk, goes into fnur fnur mode: "You're the PM. You tell me to do something, I'll do it." So why are you bitching? Just do it. Clay -- because he really has no sense of fine-tuned social dynamics like this -- yells, "I want sesame chicken!" Markus throws this very pissy finger into the air and yells, "What I do not do is...take orders verbally. I'll go get the menu." He wanders off at a snail's pace, in the wrong direction, wearing a clown suit, talking to himself, trying to fit his entire fist into his mouth, humming "Mmm-Bop," with a thumb in his ear. Everybody yells, "Markus!" He waves and continues galumphing off as slowly as a goddamn person can walk.

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Apprentice

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