Meet The Billionaire

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now!
Donald Trump and the suck-ups

As if you aren't already packing your bags for your exciting new citified life as a non-vagrant, after Donald says "you can hit it big," he says, "I mean, really big." And then they show the Statue of Liberty, so I guess if you make it big enough, that's where you get to live. I didn't even know they had apartments there. That would be cool, I think. You'd look out at all the tourists on the island and yell, "Get off my lawn!" That's what I would do, anyway. ["I'd go with water balloons, but that's me." -- Sars] Next, we see a limousine streaking down a Manhattan street, and when we go inside the passenger compartment, we see him. Donald Trump. Seated across from us. "My name's Donald Trump," he says, "and I'm the largest real estate developer in New York." I find it hard to believe there are no real estate developers larger than Donald Trump, since he's not really all that large. He brags that he owns a lot of buildings, and the editors obligingly show us several of them. He explains that he also owns "model agencies, the Miss Universe pageant, jetliners, golf courses, casinos, and private resorts like Mar-a-Lago, one of the most spectacular estates anywhere in the world." He neglects to add, "And, as of now, I own the sixteen bitches you are about to meet."

Lest you think he leads a charmed life, Donald goes on to explain, "It wasn't always so easy." You see, at one point, Donald was in debt. They show the national debt clock at this point, so apparently he blew all his money on entitlement programs and military doodads. But he fought back. And won, dammit! Now he's richer than ever! And happier than ever! Look, there he is with...with Don King! And nothing says "true happiness" like Don King. At least true happiness circa 1989. We even see the Trump board game along about here. ("Roll one die to see what part of Trump's anatomy you have to affix your lips to.") More shots of Donald's accomplishments...wait a minute, Trump makes spring water? Spring water with his face on it? The hell? "As the master," he says, "I want to pass along my knowledge to somebody else." I have to say, it takes a big man to call himself "the master." Most people, if they did say something like that, would be joking. Not Donald. Donald does not joke. Especially about being the master.

"I'm looking for...the apprentice!" Oh, that sounds like the lead-in for the credits, y'all. But wait, it's not! It's just the lead-in for pulsing music and additional beauty shots of New York. Donald comes right back to tell us that right now, sixteen people are converging on his world headquarters, determined to compete for the opportunity to work as underlings for the biggest overling of all. Donald says that they "come from all walks of life," by which he means "those walks of life in which all the women are hot." Some of them have advanced degrees, while others got their BS (literally) from the University of Life, yo. Some of them have never been to New York before, and upon their arrival, they will be summarily eaten. Donald gets out of his limo, as the Trumpicopter idles nearby without even mussing his do. Impressive. "This is the chance to work for me at a yooge [sic] salary," he says, "and more importantly, learn enough so that maybe they, too, can become a billionaire someday." Hey, money can't buy grammar. He assures us that being in his program will be "the dream job of a lifetime." Donald moves from his limo to his helicopter. In upcoming episodes, we will see him in the Trump Power-Assisted Rickshaw, the Trump Mechanical Elephant 6000X, and the Trump Urban Parasailer. He dramatically wonders aloud, "Who will succeed? Who will fail? Who will steal the ashtrays?" (Okay, not the last one.) "And who will be...the apprentice?" Okay, now that's gotta be credits.

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