Apprentice
Meet The Billionaire

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Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now!
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Donald Trump and the suck-ups

An extremely nervous-looking woman tells us that her name is Kristi, and she's from Santa Monica. She owns a restaurant, and "investment properties." In case you haven't been following your gossip rags, she also has an appearance on Red Shoe Diaries on her résumé, and I'm thinking maybe a couple of her "investment properties" were surgically implanted.

David went to medical school in addition to business school, so now he's a nurturer-slash-weasel. He's a "health care venture capitalist." Ew. I have visions of a startup devoted to trading gall bladders on the open market.

Omarosa is dressed in a fuchsia suit, and while it's good that she's in a suit, it's not so good that every skirt she wears throughout the entire episode is barely long enough to cover her hips. She's a PhD candidate and a political consultant. Barf. "Political consultant." "Four years ago," she overenunciates, "I worked at the White House, for the Pre-si-dent of the Uni-ted States." Heh. Heh heh. Um, never mind. I think the intern jokes are pretty much over at this point. And yes, as one of the Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters pointed out, her name spelled backwards is very nearly "Ass-o-rama." That's rough.

Nick is, according to his own assessment, "the hardest-working salesman in Los Angeles, California." He sells copiers, and he's commission-only. So, as he puts it, "if I don't sell, I don't eat." That's an interesting coincidence, because if I don't have a copier, I don't collate.

Katrina is wearing a greenish-gold outfit that, while it is not a suit, is at least a dress featuring a jacket. She claims to be ranked in the top three percent of realtors nationwide. On what scale? Who's included as a "realtor"? What the hell does that mean? Who did the ranking? I protest. I can get myself ranked in the top three percent of humans nationwide, provided I get to set the parameters.

Sam is director of business development for an internet company. Eh, the internet will never last. Those crazy kids with their computers and their Napster and their sex pictures.

Heidi is from Philadelphia, and she's an account executive for a telecommunications company. She has curvy, archless eyebrows and a very shiny chin.

Bill is from Chicago, and he founded the Cigar of the Month Club in his apartment. It's now a multimillion-dollar business. That's the first thing any of these people have said by way of introduction that I've entirely understood, so he gets an extra point with me immediately. Also, he's cute, and the average cuteness of the men lags substantially behind that of the women. Hardly fair.

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Apprentice

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