One Hit Blunder

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now!
Lesson Nine: Your Life Is Not The Truman Show

Adam sums up, spurred to heights of artistic creativity due to the explosion of love in his life and wanting to be good enough, that he's saying that "Nothing can be everything." Felisha and Alla and everybody love it, even though that means less than nothing. Which I guess means "a bit more than everything." Felisha sings "nothing can be everything...from the outside lookin' in…" and remembers how everybody was enjoying their Starbucks that rainy day the ATM was out and she didn't have the cash for a Gingerbread Macchiato, and it's not really really cringy, because it's Felisha and she's so cute, just singing and bopping along. I already miss her adorable, doomed ass. Adam loves it. They are all so fun together, it's like they're friends and work well together and respect each others' ideas. But this is The Apprentice! I'm sure next week Alla will be mixing Felisha's Proactive with Body Shop Peppermint Foot Crème and Adam will expose that all of Alla's routines were stolen from the Clovers.

Felisha tells Grandpa George they're doing "pop rock" and he tells them a story about how he was in radio, and ran one of the first "hard rock" stations ever. He interviews the cutest old dude story ever, and it's all about the delivery: "First time we played hard rock, my partner asked me, 'What do you think of the music?' I said, 'I think it's terrible!' He says, 'But we're selling a lot of commercials!' I said, 'I love the music!'" He laughs adorably and I wish he was my grandpa and I want to give him a gigantic hug for being cuter than any old dude ever. "The key to radio," he explains, "is creating a format the audience likes, so you're catering to a particular listener." If only he were talking to Rebecca.

Levi, his guitarist, and Capital Edge get their boring groove on, and it's so fucking cute and so, so awful to watch. They're eating pizza and they're all nodding their heads like white people and singing along, and Adam doesn't know the words but he sings anyway, and they keep looking at each other while grooving, and smiling at each other like...I don't even know. It's my number one most hated thing. I can't stand it. I wish I could! They are being so cute, but first comes the rage and then I can't see the cuteness. They laugh and high-five and giggle. Or as my friend Anne said, "Who knew all Adam wanted was to be part of the Bloven?" I didn't know what she meant until I saw the actual episode, because at first I was confused, like, Um, EVERYBODY? But I knew that wasn't what she meant, and now I get that what she meant was this: Adam wants life itself to be a slumber party with blonde ladies, where they read poems and drink, like, Schnapps and paint their toenails. And Crumb's there with Portnoy, and they all get piggyback rides from women with no heads and giant asses and powerful legs and amazing chests, and then maybe some black bodybuilders show up dressed up like cops in the mood for spanking. And I wish him this, and so much more.

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