Party Like a Mock-Star

Episode Report Card
Joe R: B | Grade It Now!
Psycho Beach Party

Everyone knows Teresa Giudice likes to throw a party and has exquisite taste. This according to Teresa Giudice. Her big idea is to create Dixie-cup popsicles out of the drink. That's the kind of party-planning strategy that comes with decking your entire foreclosed mansion out in onyx. Debbie, meanwhile, is writing an original jingle and putting it on CDs that the team will hand out at the party. Patricia is put in charge of signage, but she's also squarely in the sights of Lisa and Aubrey. Lisa -- a former editor at Rolling Stone, apparently -- gets pissed that Patricia is ignoring her requests to proofread her copy. It'd be easier to feel sorry for Patricia if she weren't describing Lisa and Aubrey's micromanaging as "the most damaging human behavior I have ever seen in my life."

Don Jr. arrives, and Aubrey interviews that he "makes [her] nervous." Totally understandable. "...because I have a CRUSH on him." Wait, WHAT? Gross. Aubrey explains her idea of a high-tech garden concept: "We're taking a lot of photos of gardens instead of something that anyone can do, which is put a lot of forestry and trees around." I don't even have to explain why the stupid things she says are stupid, right? Don asks about their party not being very fun. Aubrey: "The fun element is something that we need to creatively continue to push." Indeed.

Patricia is doing her own thing on the signage and branding, without checking back in with Aubrey as much as Aubrey would like. Patricia once again interviews about the crappiness of Aubrey and Lisa. "Some people don't get into the level of criticizing and backstabbing and saying bad things about people and we just do the work," Patricia says. And it's true. But those good people are not on Celebrity Apprentice. When the posters arrive from the printer, Aubrey is dismayed to learn that there are no posters that specifically say Crystal Light. It's Patricia's fault, says Aubrey, because she didn't get her ideas approved.

Later, Debbie records her jingle, with that weird new vocal affect she's been featuring lately, and Teresa in placed in charge of carpeting ... and the floors look disgusting. Seems appropriate. Sidebar: Aubrey has that God-awful squeaky Kardashian voice that I hate so much. Talk like a god damned woman!

So as party time approaches, Teresa's popsicles look fucking JANK, and Aubrey is dressed like Princess Kashmir, but per Lisa, the party looked very "elegant." Still, despite Teresa's insistence that it's a "par-TAY," the tasteful string quartet on the post-production soundtrack tells us this is a Fancy Party, not a fun Soul Train party. Dayana brings her hottie pageant friends along, and Debbie sings her song, which turns out to have a catchy little melody. Also, throughout the episode, Aubrey is CONSTANTLY talking shit about Debbie's songs and her "annoying" hooks. Bitch, is this some residual Danity Kane territorialism? You were BARELY a pop star. Shut it down. Nevertheless, Aubrey is pleased at the catchiness of Debbie's jingle. There's a weird momentary team unity on Forte, while they all enthuse about how great the party turned out, but how long can that be expected to last? Indeed, Aubrey says she's bracing herself for backstabbing in the boardroom. She seems like a cool and normal human being who would be fine to be around in all circumstances.

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