Apprentice
Pink Is The New Black

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Jacob Clifton: D | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Two: Be The Good Kind Of Gay

Last week, while you were watching Desperate Housewives (or Cold Case, Celebrity Island, Hogan Knows Best, The L Word, or Without A Trace, or whatever was in reruns on some other channel, if you were smart), stuff supposedly happened. That's not really how I remember it, but at least it wasn't the flaming ram-rod of death that this show's turning out to be. So Trump explains, in the Previouslies, what would appear to have happened, including how they'll now be making up new rules and twists thirty-seven times an episode. Trump says, in last week's boardroom, that it is in fact "all about winning," fires Martin... and Frank shakes his head, disappointedly, staying silent; too classy to, say, throw a thumbsucking immature classless Superbowl Shuffle on his own behalf. Just like last week! (This is not at all how it went. You are being fucked with, America.)

"Business is full of complexities. That's what makes it so interesting. Anyone who thinks it's boring hasn't given it much thought." -- Donald J. Trump, Chairman, Trump University

Right out of her overdramatizing, grade school ass, Nicole pulls the probability that there's "more than a 50% chance" nobody comes back from the Frank/Martin boardroom. Her compatriots on Team Frank buy it, because... I don't know why... and jump around shrieking, "Oh my God, really? Really? Oh my God! That's bad news!" It would seem that you go crazy a lot faster when you're living in the third world. That kind of groupthink, random assignment of authority, and clairvoyance to things that will be happening six seconds from now doesn't generally start breaking out on like Big Brother until around the tenth week. So of course, Frank -- all 100% of him -- immediately shows up, breathing hard, and his compatriots all jump around shrieking "Oh my God, really? Really? Oh my God! Frank is back!" They circle around him and climb him like monkeys and scream and shout because they're so glad he's back. I think also because he was once their PM, and they're so used to kissing ass that they... will ultimately triumph on this stupid game show. There are so many hugs, you guys, and so much hyper, scary babbling.

Frank doesn't do anything heinous this week, except for this part, and we're going to mostly boop-bleep past it because it's obnoxious as shit, but basically, he immediately starts lecturing us in interview, and the teammates in the yard, for a million billion years, about how special and important his day was, and what a drama it has been to be Frank today, and how he overcomes and is amazing, and how he -- or his fellows at the auto shop, maybe -- has given himself at some point in his horrible life the incredibly embarrassing nickname "Frankie Suits," which I will not be calling him unless irony is on the menu. Kinetic watches this depressing, adrenaline-aided performance, over the hedge, and laugh at him. It's like if you took how sad and annoying Glengarry Glen Ross is, re-cast it with illiterates, and gave them each a bag of cocaine and no expertise in any field. Team Frank's eyes are bright and stupid as he lectures them. It's like, "For the first time now you see who 'Frankie Suits' is about!" and "Listen to me! This is how we do it back at home!" and various other [sic]kening talk like this. Considering he's pretty decent the rest of the episode, it's not the best way to get things started, but whatever. I mean, how can you hate someone like this? "Frankie Suits." That's just touching, is what that is.

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Apprentice

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