Pink Is The New Black

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: D | Grade It Now!
Lesson Two: Be The Good Kind Of Gay

Heidi: "Oh, that's okay. They go in the water."
Marisa: "I'm really, really sorry. I know I was on thin ice for getting whiny about the... "
Heidi: "Trust me, it's fine."
Marisa: "Your mouth is saying it's fine but your body is saying I'm a jerkoff."
Heidi: "I cannot control how you read my body language."
Marisa: "But I'm really sorry and I need you to accept my apology."
Heidi: "Nothing to apologize for! It's just our whole task and living in the mansion for two weeks and none of us going home that whole time. It'll wipe right off."
Marisa: "I feel like you're mad."
Heidi: "Stop crying."
Marisa: "I feel like I should hurl myself off the Santa Monica Pier."
Heidi: "I can completely understand why you would feel that way, but it's your decision to do it, let's be clear on that. I'm not your mom."

Later on in the webisode, she has virtually the same conversation with poor Surya, who has been chosen to model one of the men's suits, given that Derek is too much man for the suit as designed, because he is the size and shape of a refrigerator.

Heidi: "Little late, Surya. Put it on."
Surya: "I just realized there are going to be people."
Heidi: "I want to make sure that you're comfortable doing this."
Surya: "I just said I'm not."
Heidi: "Right. I want you to tell me that you're comfortable doing this."
Surya: "But I'm really not."
Heidi: "Okay well, it's just our whole task and living in the mansion for two weeks and none of us going home that whole time. No big. We'll just have one less suit than them."
Surya: "Okay do you want me to be comfortable, or do you want to ram-rod this down my throat?"
Heidi: "I need you to do this and stop giving me shit about it."
Surya: "Fine, I'll do it. Okay?"
Heidi: "I don't want you to buy flowers for the suit, I want you to want to buy flowers for the suit."
Surya: "I can't promise that I will be able to do that."
Heidi: "I will cut you with a knife."
Surya: "I bought some flowers for you, suit!"
Heidi: "I just want to point out that you're changing your mind of your own free will because you are a team player and I am the best Project Manager this game has ever seen. Say it."
Surya: "Put down the knife."
Heidi: "SAY IT, SCRUB."

So the reason for all this is that there are six suits for each team, but only four models for each team, so one man and one woman from each team have to model a suit. That's Aimee and Surya, of course, and you just know Carey's there (he claims to have been talked into it, which I have mixed feelings about, because Aaron and Tim are at least as good-looking as he is, minus the complicating factors). Frank and Aaron talk Nicole into walking the runway, just like she wanted them to, because at this point I wouldn't be surprised if there is a tiny part of her that hopes she'll be picked by a talent agent at the fashion show who will be so impressed with the diamond in the rough that he will whisk her away from this whole gross venture and also he will be a European prince and they will get married. (Which is in fact what's going to happen, only the part of the European prince/modeling agent is played, improbably enough, by Tim.) Everybody gets ready, a makeup tech tries to silk-purse Nicole's face as Carey -- wearing the suit -- shakes hands with still visibly unsure Aaron. Trump arrives with some poor assistant and kneels at a campfire log to take off his shoes and socks, tossing one sock over his head in a flagrant "check my coolness factor" way, and of course it lands on the poor girl's head. Which is the metaphor for this entire show in like every way, down to the assistant laughing hysterically about how funny it was that he threw his disgusting sock at her and it landed on her head, and how she's started making little cuts on her legs alone in the bathroom at work. His feet are like a deadly white waterlogged corpse as he approaches the crowd in the stands; they applaud for the same reason groups always applaud for Trump, that reason being that this is a really confusing time for our country in general.

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