Pink Is The New Black

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: D | Grade It Now!
Lesson Two: Be The Good Kind Of Gay

Trina Turk, who's like a cuter, saner Anne Rice, comes to the mic and we begin. First up is Kinetic, starting up with a really cool "vintage" one-piece that's brown and teal. It's very awesome, she looks totally cute. The back chevrons down in a cool way, and the top part ties in the back like a halter. Oh, also: I don't know anything about fashion. That's not some kind of self-defining statement, it's just something I ought to disclose at this time. A guy walks out wearing a nice board short in weird faded-looking turquoise and melon trim. Trump is not convinced: it's a good basic design, but the colors are cheap looking. Luckily, the other Kinetic board shorts are way better. The controversial "Plain Jane" two-piece looks really good, although I'm still confused by Trina confirming that it's meant to go "from sporty to soiree" in a "heartbeat." What are these parties? Are they at the Playboy mansion? Before today I could ask that question without knowing the answer. Surya comes out grinning, wearing cool brown shorts with white trim on the pockets, and then there's a pale turquoise two-piece with a halter strap on the top, which looks like one of those full-coverage Victoria's Secret bras like I saw Queen Latifah wearing on that commercial. The kind that could stop a bullet. Also, strangely, the model is wearing -- and fiercely selling it -- a... plaid belt with a doubloon on it. Who knows? I guess this is a Trina Turk thing. Donald, of course, remarks on the model, asking to hilarious canned laughter whether she "works for us." Which is funny, but would be even funnier if it were one of the team members and he didn't remember her face until he saw her in the cute bikini. He would have loved that*. Finally there are very, very awesome and hot yellow board shorts; the model brushes his shoulder off like a hater, which is funny and strange. Carey gives his expertly gay opinion about how their bathing suits suck and how "Arrow" is going to win. Chump.

* "All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me--consciously or unconsciously. That's to be expected." -- Donald Trump, quoted in the New York Daily News

Arrow's up: there's an admittedly awesome red and orange print board short, and a black two-piece with a neat white trim on it that's like stylized lace, a boxer brief "that appeals to all the gents" in the black and white pattern I'm pretty sure Aaron was pushing, and then... Carey, working the runway in his tiny man-panties like the rent is due. The camera tracks verrrry slowly up his admittedly amazing body and to the hideous pink paisley and the Trump Kryptonite it contains, and there are quick shots of Trump, James, and Frank laughing. There's also Derek laughing, and I know why, and so do you because you're laughing too, but that's not why it's here. He talks about what a shock it was to see Carey, "nipples erect," doing his "fiercest runway walk," and grants that Carey looks great, but opines that perhaps a fire extinguisher might have been required. Which is two things, depending on who you are. Because if you're gay, you get to say, "I know, right?" But if you're not, and if the pink man-panties are kind of freaking you out, you get to say, "Whoo! What a relief! I thought I was being a bigot, but thank God the other one okayed it for me." Walk the tightrope like a linebacker or do it like Mary Lou Retton, sparklers in hand like the Fourth of July: either way you pay a price, so rock and roll.

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