Pink Is The New Black

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: D | Grade It Now!
Lesson Two: Be The Good Kind Of Gay

“I don't know if at this age it is physically possible but we've certainly talked about it and it's certainly a possibility.” -- Hugh Hefner, quoted at A Socialite's Life

"They greeted us right away," Jenn explains, telling us that the house is gorgeous -- even nicer than she thought it would be. The "girlfriends," speaking like one horrible plastic being in three bodies, conduct them into the "Great Hall," and Hugh Hefner comes down, so old and gross and addled that he can't even remember his name. He still looks good, I'm not going to lie, but I'm also not going to have sex with him for money, so my opinion is pretty much worthless on how attractive he is. Of course, I have no room to speak about his sex life generally, as I can't understand having so much of your personality tied up with the myth of your own virility that at eighty years old you're still propping the old soldier up to fuck women and impress your friends, or the world, or whatever the hell his nasty ass thinks it's doing. It's not like his virility is failing: it's in Boca. He is eighty years old. Get another hobby, you sad old pervert.

"Well, I think it's like the birth control pill for women. I think it reduces the conflict between the expectation and the reality." -- Hugh Hefner, Larry King Live, November 29, 2005

Oh yeah, he's talking about VIAGRA there. Larry King went around to all three "girlfriends" and asked if it was any less "romantic," fucking an eighty-year-old man, when he has to take pills to create every single fake erection before he can fuck them in front of each other. For money. And shockingly, they all said it was every bit as romantic as fucking an eighty-year-old man who had taken no pills at all. For money. Every single bit as romantic, no question.

He notes that, given the seven-two split, there are going to be "more ladies than guys" tonight, which, everyone laughs, is just a "typical Playboy party!" How much of this is just playing along? How much of this show is about playing along with a sad old man with effed-up priorities because you don't want to hurt his feelings? Kristine tells us how Hef is a "very very lucky man" who can have "anything he wants in life," and yet... this is what he chose. A life lived for everybody else, a complete and total hologram. At least when Trump puts this much energy into the lie, he ends up with awesome kids, you know? At least he has cool stuff. All Hef gets is hard, fake, scary boobs and shaved baby vaginas. Trump blows this guy out of the water. "Now, he can't marry them all," she chuckles, I hope embarrassedly, because "that would be illegal, but... " Whatever, this is so stupid and shameful and silly. The Hefner Myth is for virgins.

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