Pink Is The New Black

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: D | Grade It Now!
Lesson Two: Be The Good Kind Of Gay

In the parlor, at the fireside, Hefner explains to them how he started with no money, and now has lots of money, and sells it as this amazing story where he was ingenious because he realized there was a niche market for naked boobies that included... all straight men. "I noticed a trend where men masturbate, and I jumped right on it." That's keen business acumen, there. It's a real honor to be in your house, sir. Think I could get like a seat cover or a jacket to sit on or something? Because I just realized I'm sitting on a couch in the Playboy mansion, and I got very terrified.

The "girlfriends" lead them from their "fireside chat" to the party. Where there were thirty or forty women standing around, in what Frank keeps telling us is the cold, and some of them are dressed as bunnies, with little ears and tails. The only thing more vulnerable than a woman who's been reduced to sexual utility her entire life and blown her brain out with coke is probably a bunny rabbit. Stick those in a cage, thirty or forty of 'em, you pet those things whenever you want. They're not going anywhere. Breasts everywhere, uniform and identical and inauthentic as the laughter. Kinetic drinking at a wild rate. Trump arrives from inside a screenwipe transition, shaped like the head of a defenseless little bunny rabbit you can fuck whenever you want. Girls snuggling in the pool, taking snapshots of themselves fondling each other, laughing hollowly in the cold, cold, cold. Trump joins the team and can't distinguish Heidi from the bunnies and sexy ladies everywhere. He has to call her name and make her identify herself. The one member of either team with whom he's spent the most time, and he can't pick her out of the crowd.

"[Hefner] doesn't really do anything. He just lies there with his Viagra erection. It's just a fake erection, and each girl gets on top of him for two minutes while the girls in the background try to keep him excited. They'll yell things like, 'Fuck her daddy, fuck her daddy!' There's a lot of cheerleader going on!" -- ex-Playmate Jill Ann Spaulding, from her book Upstairs

Marisa watches Heidi shaking hands with Hef and repeating the lie about what a wonderful place the Playboy mansion is, how it's an honor to meet him, and burns with jealousy, interviewing that she has fallen out of love with the idea of Heidi being PM forever and ever. She offers that there should be an opportunity to shine and showcase their leadership skills, like every other year, back when this show made sense. The bunnies giggle and push Derek backwards into the pool. There's applause all around; two women dance and shiver, even though there's no music. Derek comes out of the pool with a bunny on either side, in his arms, one giant fake breast in his face. He laughs, and it's very funny and very cute. It's also obligatory; imagine every day: this is the tightrope. You walk it or you're out, and woe betide the boys who don't learn that one early enough.

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