Apprentice
Runaway Pride

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The vurrrry fahshunable wahhding

Apex arrives at its location, and Ivana explains that this was their first order of business after being told what the task was. As they go inside, she marvels at the size of the space. "We could tooootally do something with this," she coos. Chris says that he wants to just pack the space with vendors the next day, and he plans to offer to split the profits with the vendors. As he explains it to the team, he'll just offer the vendors a situation where for no rent or anything up front, they can come and sell their dresses. Jen nods thoughtfully, like this is totally brilliant. Kevin points out that they'll need the vendors, then, before they do anything else. Why any of them believe that vendors will eagerly go in on a deal to give away half of their profits in return for an opportunity to sell dresses in a large, unfurnished warehouse space run by unknowns is kind of a mystery to me, but...whatever.

Back at S5, Mosaic is hard at work around the table listening to Sandy tell them exactly what they need to do. She says that they need to go around to these various salons and try to negotiate what dresses they're going to have to sell. Kelly adds that they'll need "a marketing message." Yeah, thanks, G.I. Joe. Kelly clues us in that the team is broken into two groups -- he, Sandy, and Andy are going to go look at the space, while Maria and Wes are going to work on the marketing. They'll need a message! What will they do without a message! I hate business-speak. Sandy, meanwhile, tells Wes and Maria to get in touch with someone at theknot.com, which should have a list of all the New York City brides, and can probably sell the right to send a giant spam to all of them. Andy points out quite correctly that Kelly's role here was to delegate everything important to Sandy and then "ride Sandy to his exemption." Heh, "ride Sandy." Ew. Wes and Kelly, meanwhile, chuckle over the idea of Chris trying to figure out how to sell wedding dresses.

And here Chris is indeed, cold-calling vendors and offering them an opportunity to participate in this "bridal expo" he's supposedly setting up. Unfortunately, none of the people he's calling are interested, probably because it isn't clear what the hell is in it for them. Like, at all. In an interview, Ivana marvels at how Chris, who's supposed to be this great sales guy (she actually drags out the hoary old "sell ice to Eskimos" thing, which...did she get that from a really, really old uncle who sold vacuum cleaners door-to-door?), was totally unable to get anywhere with the bridal folks. Jen sits along the wall all stiff-backed, already transparently pleased that it's obvious whom she can blame if the task doesn't work out. You begin to get an idea of why Chris can't get into this project when he hangs up from one uninterested vendor and casually spits, "Motherfuckin' bitch." Yeah, you know what? Chris is not so fond of women. Doesn't like having to ask them for anything, doesn't like having to pretend to care about anything specifically made for them, doesn't want to figure out how to market for them, doesn't want to schmooze them on the phone...he just doesn't like women, at least in business settings. You can tell that his vision of "the business world" does not involve very many boobs, unless he's "entertaining clients" at a secret location. Anyway, Kevin and Jen flip through magazines as Chris continues to have no luck on the phone, and ultimately tells the team that the task is actually "almost impossible." Chris says that there's just no way you can set something up and get dresses, advertise them, and sell them in the time available. Chris is married, folks, and he doesn't know dick. Wedding dresses are expensive, you nut. People are willing to have them altered, and they're willing to hunt through a lot of them in order to save a significant amount of money. Ivana says that this throwing up of the hands was "pathetic," not that she seems to be stepping up with a lot of great ideas of her own. Wait, what ever happened to always providing a solution? Oh, that's right. Shunning. And she's already doing it. Real good, then!

This week's black-and-white Trump motto is "Believe in Yourself." Hilariously, Trump praises his own positive attitude as we watch him in the back of a limo telling some guy about how he loves naming buildings after his own glorious ass. Awesome. We take another quick look at New York, and then return to Mosaic, where Sandy is walking with Andy and Kelly, explaining to them that discontinued wedding dresses actually go for less than cost. See? This is a great idea. I mean, I can't stand her, and I think she's incredibly irritating, but this is how you do this task, and had Chris approached it differently, there isn't any reason he couldn't have done the same thing. Sandy explains to us that they had a few appointments to go and see folks at bridal salons to negotiate a little. A few little shots of wedding cake couples do a great job of transitioning us into the discussion portion of our show. Sandy tells the owner of the first place that they'd like to take discontinued gowns "off [her] hands" and sell them for her. "How many gowns are you willing to give up?" Sandy asks. "How many can you take?" the lady comes back. Heh. Yeah, if I had to stare at froofy dresses all day, I believe I'd be ready to see a whole bunch of them leave at once, too. Andy explains that watching Sandy work with all this stuff that she knows so well was actually fairly impressive. And I agree. It's like watching monkeys ski. Andy tries his hand at doing part of the pitch and talking about how one vendor's dresses are like a Ferrari, but Carolyn winds up teasing him later, all, "You've never done this before, have you, Andy?" Hee. For a minute there, I thought she might seduce him, all The Graduate and everything. But tragically, she just means he's not a great talker.

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