Apprentice
Season 5 Finale

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Lesson Fifteen: Shed Your Personality Like So Many Unwanted Pounds

Sean's parents, in the audience, are very British, and have very tiny heads. There's a poster in the audience that says "An Englishman In New York." A song that I hate, because there's this one tiny sound effect in it that always gave me a heart attack because it sounded exactly like my nanny taking a spill outside my bedroom door, and I knew if I opened it I'd find her in a heap, ass-over-teakettle, and I'd have to see her panties, and so I'd stare at my door for what seemed like hours wondering if it was worth it to render aid. The fact that this happened to me not once but several times is the most compelling argument to avoid drugs -- not to mention Sting -- that I can think of.

"Tarek, the women love you for some reason," says Trump. Everybody immediately rushes to refill their shot glasses before Trump can say "Mensa" and Tarek giggles, and then Trump says "Mensa" and everybody takes a shot. "Sometimes I don't know about the IQ thing...you're pretty smart, okay," says Trump, shoving the valentine he made for Tarek himself out of pink and red construction paper back in his pocket, because it's all crumpled. Tarek says that Sean is a man of great integrity. Trump bugs Tammy for a billion years about how Sean's "obviously in love" with her, and she nods and thinks about how Sean is probably going to die a virgin. "Do you think he was hurt in my eyes by being so effusive? You have to say it to everybody?" Which, again: not exactly Sean's fault. Sean's grossness is his own fault, for sure, but the fact that the producers stopped asking him about the tasks four weeks ago and only started getting his thoughts on Tammy's reproductive viability is not his fault. Tammy is just brilliant: "It shows how much passion he has, and that he would bring passion to the organization." That is a fantastic answer. Trump agrees, and says that it explains why Sean is in love with her. Because what turns Sean on is the ability to bullshit. Cut to the creepy smile of Sean, of course, because as validating as talking unendingly about his fake crush on Tammy is, Trump just gave it a creepy little blessing of his own. People boo Lenny forever, so Trump moves on to Pepi. "Also, we love Pepi! I do remember you very well. You're a good guy, Pepi!" Pepi half-stands because people are cheering for him, and Trump gets jealous. "Sit down, Pepi. That's enough, Pepi." It's more awkward than it sounds. Everybody laughs. Pepi laughs. I hate this goddamned show.

"Lenny, for some reason Lee seemed to rely on you, like a crutch." Lenny laughs about "who's Pepi," and nobody laughs. Lenny laughs about "I see a lot of the Sean's babies are very supportive," but nobody knows what the fuck he's talking about. One can assume he's being a dick in some way. "Goat has no age," says Lenny. "Goat is always goat," says Lenny. "You have to invest in goat over time," says Lenny. "That's not a great answer, but whatever," says Trump. Oh, "gold"! He was saying Lee was like gold. My bad. Your anagrams are showing, Doctor. Charmaine speaks greatly about how both candidates are "exceptional," "intelligent," "creative," and "driven." She adds that Sean "has organizational and leadership skills," but does not add that his other main thing is that he never said anything as rampantly douchebaggy as the whole "three guys taking orders from a lady" box of bullshit that Lee perpetrated. Well, to her personally. Trump: "Charmaine, you are one great presenter." Her face is awesome, like, "Fuckin' thanks, dude."

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