Apprentice
Season 5 Finale

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Lesson Fifteen: Shed Your Personality Like So Many Unwanted Pounds

The Jobs! I never understand this part. One job is a new Trump building on Waikiki beach. The artist's pictures of the suites are insanely tight and I can tell you right now that the very second I am a bajillionaire my ass will be living there. It's just beautiful. The other job is a Trump building in "New York's trendiest neighborhood"...which is apparently SoHo again? I didn't know it was back to that already. I think that wherever Trump says is trendy, that's what we're going with, because it's his show. The pictures of the building show that it will be quite tall. He refers to this building as "an awe-inspiring masterpiece." Modesty's all well and good, saith Trump. He's awe-inspiring, all right. Sean says that the whole point of going through this humiliating experience is to learn from Trump, and so he's "gotta have New York," and Lee says that as a native New Yorker who knows the city, he has to be in New York as well. Um, I'll fucking take Waikiki. You morons. Like you're going to be lunching with Trump all the damn time. Like he's going to remember anything beyond "Lee = Politician" and "Sean + Tammy = Eyebrow Apocalypse" five minutes from now.

Lee finger-guns the camera, shadowboxes a little bit, but then immediately realizes he's being a dork and cuts it out with just a sweet thumbs-up. The Apprenti stand for their final choices. If you think I'm bouncing around here, I'm not. This is literally how it went down: no reason, no logic, just different flavors of screams and then unending shots of the unfamous moseying around boredly. For Sean: Charmaine because of the Hair Cuttery disaster, Brent and Leslie and Theresa because who knows or cares why, Bryce because Sean's fractionally more alpha, Tarek because he worked well with Sean and has no respect for Lee, and Dan as a secret message to me that we are buddies. "Lee, remember them!" shouts Trump "They're your enemies!" I don't think Trump knows when he's talking. I really don't. I think people respond to whatever comes out of his mouth no matter what it is, so his Sophia Petrillo filter just dried up on him and went vestigial. For Lee: Roxanne because she hates Sean, Brent again, Pepi and Lenny, Michael and Stacey and Summer for even less interesting reasons than the above. Everybody sits down except for Brent, whose new hobby is I guess standing there like a fool for no reason.

A few brief notes here: That's a fucking compelling reason to take a good hard look in the mirror when your fans include Brent, Pepi, Michael, Lenny, Stacey and Summer, first of all. But more importantly: BRENT. My GOD. You are not that interesting! Nobody is going to notice that you stood up for both of them, and if they do, it's not going to have the effect that you presume it will, which effect I cannot fathom, but I can make some guesses, and they're all wrong, because all it does is point out once again that you should not be allowed to make decisions for yourself because you don't understand one tenth of what the world has to offer, and you're always going to come off weird, and you need to stay in the background while you figure this out instead of using every single possible opportunity to scream: "Look at me! Underpants on my head!"

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Apprentice

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