Apprentice
Season 5 Finale

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Lesson Fifteen: Shed Your Personality Like So Many Unwanted Pounds

George says both candidates are "great," but the most hard-hitting thing he can think of to say about either of them is that they both have "more pluses than minuses." "Neither of them seems to be carrying a deadly virus, they both have the use of their limbs, neither of them seems to have a taste for arson, background checks have revealed no ties to Jamestown or the Lindbergh baby. A moveable feast of possible apprenticeship." Trump whines that nobody will help him out. They don't CARE! Nobody cares! Trump screams at Carolyn about "Do you have a PICK? Will you give me a PICK?" Carolyn, who looks absolutely stunning in a lovely Chanel suit, by the way, promises to give her choice. "I think you're both great. Lee, I think you're creative and give new meaning to 'think outside of the box.' Sean, you are a motivator. You have energy I've never seen, and are a true leader." Now, if you don't speak Connecticut Throwdown, you might think that she was equivocating there, so I will translate for you, because her choice was actually quite clear: "I think you're both equally lackluster. Lee, you are shady and a wildcard, and inconsistent to boot. Sean, you won't stop screaming about everything all the time. You have a nervous energy that reminds me of my dog Chin-Chin before we changed her meds, but are at least capable of leadership. Thank you for not embarrassing the Trump organization by foisting Lenny on a bunch of unsuspecting Canadians, for they are a peace-loving people who do not deserve his crap."

Lee promises to show Trump things he's never seen. Trump goes, I kid you not, he goes, "Like a politician?" Like, please tell me what the fuck. Lee too, he's like, "I guess so, you like that whole idea in your weird mind, but also, I stepped up a third of the time to be PM." Valid. He gives mad respect to Sean, but knows he's the "true Apprentice." Sean explains that he is better than Lee and has the "aptitude" or "attitude" to do SoHo, or "any project." In the middle of explaining again that for ten years he's been doing "multi-million dollar deals," Trump freaks out because things are getting so cutthroat and fires them both. Oh wait, no he doesn't. And you and I both know why. Trump posits again that just maybe he despises Sean for the Tammy talk, and having heard the name "Tammy," which is like his codeword to commence babbling, Sean gets stomach-turningly effusive, so he doesn't hear Trump slide in the question of whether or not they're going to get married, and says "Yes," even though it's not true. Tammy catches it and laughs her ass off, but Sean's too out of it to notice this part. I've said my piece about the Tammy thing, but check out Trump's emotional maturity: "You love Tammy? You wanna make out? Are you, in fact, K-I-S-S-I-N-G? Are you going to get maaaaaaarried? Ooooooh, Sean's in looooove with Taaaaaammy!"

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Apprentice

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