Apprentice
Season 5 Finale

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Jacob Clifton: C- | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Fifteen: Shed Your Personality Like So Many Unwanted Pounds

In "every" "way" this season has been a "tremendous" "success" and Trump "couldn't" have "asked" for two "stronger" finalists than Sean and Lee. I'll be honest, this is where I lost interest in this process, because nobody should abuse air quotes like that. First five seconds and already the ratio of black flies to chardonnay in this bitch is heavily leveraged. Trump tells us how different Sean and Lee are, and then to prove it gives us the brief. Sean is the National Accounts Director of some telecom, wants the job really bad, thinks of himself as "passionate" which is one damned word for it, and would like to provide the "perfect fit," a "driven" employee for Mr. Trump. I feel like I know Sean less now than I did before he started talking. That's the way of Sean. Lee is a business analyst for a global management firm, and feels he has some kind of advantage that I'm not really clear on, but calls himself intelligent, hardworking, and loyal. Lee thinks that he will do a great job for Trump, and I will say right now that Sean is clearly going to win, but all of those things are true of Lee. "It didn't take long for these two candidates to make their mark," says Trump, and then cobbles together whatever evidence he can find for this extreme lie about how they skinned their hearts and skinned their knees or whatever.

Here's the Sean fairy tale: On their very first task, at the Wal-Mart, his teammates thought he was so super charming that they let him talk on the PA and that's all he did. Allie said that probably 90% of his sales were to women, because they loved the accent. What she meant was, "I like the accent enough that the face is negotiable." Then, says Trump, "Sean's popularity only grew." Which is, again, simply untrue. Everybody either ignored him, teamed up and froze him out, reacted weirdly to his sexual advances, or made fun of his "metrosexuality." They went to the White House and he had his eighteenth epiphany of the day and lectured everybody about America and how he's American on the inside or something; I thought it was gay at the time and I've only grown more scornful of Sean's ongoing relationship to exclamation marks since that point. If you really want me to hate you, go somewhere like the White House or Mandela's cell and then demand that everybody in the group sit still for one hundred hours while you impress upon them just how very meaningful the moment is to you, and how special it is for you, and how just because they're also standing right the fuck there doesn't mean they'll ever understand how very special it is to be you -- right at this dramatic moment or, in fact, ever.

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Apprentice

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