Apprentice
Season 5 Finale

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Jacob Clifton: C- | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Fifteen: Shed Your Personality Like So Many Unwanted Pounds

Team Sean. Finally, Sean realizes that he should have been meeting with Pontiac cutie instead of pretending to plan his wedding with Tammy and dreaming of the day she'd carry him across the threshold, and vows to "redeem" himself "as much as possible." Go ahead and check out how he plans to do this, because it is gorgeous. There's a spotlight on the stage, and under that spotlight will drive a Pontiac, and out of that Pontiac will step Donald Trump, and standing next to Donald Trump will be a member of the Barenaked Ladies wearing a panda bear costume. Pontiac cutie is like, "And then what happens is that they find you in a quarry." Sean is like, "Well, can we have a person in a panda bear suit wandering at random?" And Pontiac cutie is like, "I don't give a shit what you do with your panda suit but keep it away from my brand." And Sean is like, "How about Trump drives up in the car and...that is all?" And the Pontiac cutie is like, "Right, like I already said at the beginning of the conversation before your minor stroke when you suddenly could not manage to quit with the panda suit." And Sean's response: "I get you, I get you. We're on the same page." Ugh. Oh, are you? I think the deal here is that it's supposed to illustrate the issues Sean is having with balancing the branding concerns of the corporate and charity sponsors, except for how in previous years this was due to the weirdness of one or both of THEM, and not due entirely to the weirdness of SEAN.

NYFD cheers for Lee, coming back live, and Trump arms his cliché cannon and fires the fuck at will about how it's "crunch time," and will their teams "step up"? Sean welcomes the Barenaked Ladies to the venue and interviews how "sexy" that whole experience was, because apparently he thinks they are relevant and/or a rock band. I was watching an old episode of Once & Again the other day and that "One Week" song was playing in one scene. While Once & Again is in fact one of the best TV shows ever written, the fact remains that it was canceled during the first George W. administration. Think about that for a second as I tell you that that's the song they're going to play tonight. Why not just have like "Pontiac Presents Paula Cole's Armpits"? "The World Wildlife Foundation presents Tuck & Patty." "The Pontiac Dishwashing Liquid Variety Hour with Special Guest Duke Ellington." Sean smarms with a Barenaked Lady who tells him rock shows are "easy," or so he's heard. Tarek introduces George and the reps from SLS Speakers, because he's in charge of that event. Because Tarek is awesome and pretty, there are live studio screams on the Hard Day's Night level whenever he appears. Much talk is talked about the awesomeness of the speakers and about Quincy Jones being involved in something or another and George tells us straight up that Sean is not spending enough time with his team. "A good leader has to be sure they're operating how they should." Sending Tarek, even though he should by rights be in the Final Two, frankly, into the field all alone is "not right." George looks awesome, frankly, wearing all-monochrome and a cute argyle sweater. He gets older and smaller every year, but clothing-wise he is on target. Tarek is totally smooth and awesome with the SLS people, but I guess all these problems are to make us wonder whether Sean is going to win, and keep up from falling asleep at the very idea. The thing is, though, that because none of these things are actually problems, and so they should make us feel better and not worse about Sean's chances, they're so hysterical about the suspense that it kind of means that when he does win, it will have certain aggressive undertones of incompetence attached to it. Somnolent and unimpressed is not how I wanna feel at the end of this crap. You know I'm happier with sexism and racism to complain about, and I simply cannot get exercised about, like, "I fell asleep at some point, but I'm almost sure that one loser won and the other loser lost and Roxanne was dressed as the Princess of Pirates on the High Seas."

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