Apprentice
Season 5 Finale

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Lesson Fifteen: Shed Your Personality Like So Many Unwanted Pounds

Team Lee. I get the strong feeling that Pontiac is involved in some way, but I cannot confirm that for you due to the extreme low-balling subtlety of the product placement in which this show rejoices. Lee calls in to "Roxy" about how they're actually on schedule, and all the signage is up and all the gift bags are ready and all the rooms are looking good. Which is: stuff that was tasked to everybody but Lenny and Lee, the PM's of the task. "The team is a well-oiled machine," he says. For the moment. Roxanne is handling the auctions, Pepi is hanging signs or whatever, and Lenny is doing everything else. Juxtaposed with the horrifying scene in which Tarek charmed the pants off the pre-party sponsor, it's almost overwhelming how great they're doing! Perhaps Lee will win after all! Lee meets the non-Lys person from the charity sponsor, Christine, and again wows her with his complete lack of planning or knowledge about the event. He shows her the script that Lys basically wrote for him, I surmise, and then things get stupid. Because Christine was not given a whole lot to work with, from the show's producers, beyond "Make trouble and ask a lot of questions and act like Lee is retarded," it's really up to her to make it work. And while I'm sure she has many lovely skills, comedic improv is not one of them, so it goes like this. "Where are the players standing?" In a line. "Where are they, though?" On the ice, in a line. "But where is that?" On the rink which is covered in ice. "But what is ice? You have to give me something." Okay, you're right, let's do something else. "Where is the drama? You're boring me." Okay so we call the celebrities' names, and they come skating out and line up. "What are 'celebrities'? You really don't have any idea what you're doing."

Meanwhile, Lenny is being his usual worthless self. He tells her that half of the equipment has been stolen and they don't know where it is, and Christine's like, "Oh a comedian, yeah? Well, I'm glad you're having fun." Ouch. Lee tries to get them on target, and she asks about how they're going to dramatize the celebrity coaches, and Lenny says that they will be catapulted over a wall onto the ice. "Great, great. That'll be cool when they fall down and die." Lee begs Lenny to shut up and stop fucking with Christine, I bet because he's scared Lys will come back, and she actually has an intimidating presence instead of simply giving the impression that she is new to society. Lee interviews, quite rightly, that Christine is unhappy and uncomfortable, and that Lenny is not helping. Christine brings up Jamie Pressley, who is apparently going to be flying through the air and landing on slick ice in stilettos, and the suggestion is made that they put her on skates. Jamie Pressley on skates. That's the level we're at. I already liked Lys but at this point I wanted to phone her up and be like, "I'll bring the ski masks, you grab a baseball bat, and we'll take care of this once and for all." Christine points out that they have no idea whether Jamie Pressley can even skate, and cautions them about leaving the entire task up to the whims of fate. Everybody gets scared because the truth is scary when you're out of your league. Roxanne interviews that the whole thing was super embarrassing. Which is no doubt true, but not as embarrassing as the fact that Lee lost this whole thing the second he walked into the suite and saw Lenny standing there, and that Lee is too young to make decisions based on anything more meaningful than his (incorrectly perceived) popularity. And I don't mean "young" as in chronologically, because that is a lie that stupid old people tell themselves to justify their own weaknesses -- I mean "young" as in everybody eats a certain amount of shit in their lifetime and he's unlucky enough to be doing it on TV. Without knowing he's doing it.

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