Surya: "Fnur, fnur, you should hire Sanjaya! Har har!"
Jacob's Hand: "Ow! You can't bitchslap a television set, genius!"
Trump, nearly verbatim: "Fuck you, Surya. Just... fuck you."
Trump: "I think I know who's going to win, and by that I mean this was all decided months ago, but since I'm convinced you people think TV is real, I'm going to pretend to ruminate for awhile, because it gives me a feeling of control to have 'several million' imaginary people hanging on my every word, in the unmentionable rain. So I'm just going to keep dicking around like I've been doing."
Ivanka: "Quite frankly, you guys, I'm proud of you. You work well as a team. The downside of that is that we still don't know if you're in a coma or a hired killer, Stefani. You keep demonstrating that you're playing on a level above even the game itself, but I don't know that the audience will really get it, so like... could you explain better? Like, talk to America, but pretend that you're talking to Frank. Not as counterintuitive as it may at first seem."
Stefani: "Okay... "
Trump: "Psych! Next, I'll name the next Apprentice!"
Stefani: "... The fuck?"
Commercial, during which somebody explains to Donald Trump what "rude old wrinkled-nutsack pig face" means.
Trump: "Stefani, would you like to finish your answer?"
Stefani: "Fuckin' like to start my answer, sir."
Trump: "By all means."
Stefani: "I've been fearless and silent from day one. I volunteered to be Project Manager every chance I got, even going so far as to engineer Nicole's attack by a trained jellyfish. I roofied Tim to make him think macking on Nicole was a good idea, eliminating both of them. I dosed Surya with Ritalin every chance I got, turning him into a jittery halfwit with OCD and a serious personality disorder. I injured the frontal lobe of Frankie's brain, sir. He used to be a mathematician, now he can barely stand up unaided. My only competition this whole time has been James, who is an underhanded snake in ways you could barely comprehend. He hogged the PM role continuously in order to give his life a semblance of meaning, and he will pay, Mr. Trump. Meanwhile, I was never brought back to the boardroom, I never once came under fire despite holding a prominent role in nearly every task, and nobody ever said a negative word about me on camera, throughout this process."
Trump: "That's largely true."
Stefani: "If it were largely true, I would have given the kill order on that cameraman's family, sir. Trust me when I say that it is completely true."
Trump: "I believe you. I haven't really been paying attention, so I didn't want to declare anything too forcefully."