"It's time to bring out the Final Four!" he shouts, and offstage the handlers ready their tasers and jingly bells, in case one of the former members of Arrow goes rogue and we have another Montecore. Stefani... looks amazing. Black suit, super-dark wavy gigantic hair. She looks like she's about to start twirling and produce a golden lasso out of nowhere. James is in a nice suit, and his parents seem to be awesome, except for how their kid is a dick. Nicole's hair is lovely with curls, looking good with a tad too much makeup for the cheap seats in back, and her family is very scary, as you might have assumed. "Frank, get out here!" shouts Trumpy, and Frank's wearing a shiny pinstriped suit, and is doing that thing where he suddenly looks really good from certain angles, which is always daunting when he does it. Trump tells them for the, by my count, fifth time that they're all winners, and that he decided not to fire anybody last week, so now he's going to fire two of them in a million years, and then another one, and then "somebody will emerge victorious!" He gives Stefani a tiny but very cute paternal smile at this bombastic last, like, "This is ridiculous, no?" It hardly shows on his face, but it's in his eyes. He's sometimes really adorable. Sometimes I think Donald Trump is awesome. And at the time I wrote those things, I was sober, and I'm sober right now, but the thing is that I half-thought I was seeing things, but then Stefani [spoiler!], so you be the judge.
Commercial, then more of the mysterious crowd. The people at this thing, what are they like? Remember spontaneous generation, like how in the Dark Ages they thought you made mice by leaving grain and water in a barrel? I think somebody left junk bonds and like some boxes of Ernest & Julio Gallo lying around, and these people resulted. Including Sean and Omarosa, who grew up out of a noisemaker and shreds of a resume which contained only lies, respectively. They bring out the cobra'd, and firstly Martin and Carey are looking the same, which is good and bad depending. Michelle's looking totally cute with choppy concept hair; Marisa is dressed like A Walk In The Clouds, and it really suits her. I always thought she was the prettiest, along with Heidi and Jenn, in the "all time" category, and Stefani and Kristine in the "a few weird angles" category, which has more character. Marisa's like shockingly pretty. Aaron looks the same, which never gets old. Actually, he's looking a little meatier, a little bloated. It works. Aimee is looking super cute and bouncy, Derek's kickin' hotness like the sun grilling burgers inside the sun. While on fire. Muna is dressed like a particularly avant-garde witch or possible Paula Abdul backup dancer, Angela's wearing a total girl dress, Tim is excellent, Heidi's wearing a soft white dress and looks luminous and strong, and Kristine manages to out-hot all of them in a stark white suit. Good show, Kristine! I wish Trump would acknowledge your existence, or that of Heidi or Derek and Jenn, but we all know he doesn't know who any of those people are.