Season 6 Decision Time

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now!
Lessons Learned

Trump: "You know, millions of people applied to be on this show, which given the usual applicable inflation in everything I say, means ten. Ten people applied for this show. Most of the others were recruited because of the lawyer v. non-lawyer idea that would have actually made this show cool. And out of those several individuals who could not see the way the sharkward wind was blowing, there are two of you left. Neither of you are losers, at least not in these terms. Stefani, here's a tape of you and your beautiful family. Or not."

There's a short video of: Stefani looking glamorous driving along the coast, Stefani looking gorgeous driving in a car, Stefani looking lovely on the phone, Stefani being scrumptious being a lawyer about things on the phone, Stefani getting very scary hardcore about how defense attorney doesn't always mean what you think it means. She defends corporate interests against worker's comp and liability claims. WHOA! Wish we'd known that all along. Of course she's the next hire. Trump is like her spiritual home! Now, don't think for a second that I have a problem with that, the law is my religion and the entire point of counsel is to do their best for their client, but MAN does that paint a different picture of Stefani than we've been fed. I wonder if that wasn't intentional, calling her a "defense attorney" all over the place. I think I said that meant she was a big old girl, at some point. I was wrong. She's like, "You cannot let people push you around, doing this job. She informs some claimants that they will be destroyed and tells us that she is used to dealing with a-holes. For example, people in construction are often a-holes, especially foremen. Of course, being a totally hot chick with giant fake boobs is both blessing and curse with these fellas, but I take her point. She looks totally amazing talking to some foreman type on a site, then totally amazing in a gi at karate being destructive and awesome. No beautiful family to speak of; Donald Trump is even more over this show than we are, but he doesn't know it, so he thinks he's talking sense.

Stefani: "Donald Trump's getting the entire package; he's getting a fighter, he's getting a person that will destroy anything I'm allowed to destroy, in the right way, with class, and a catlike grace. And then I will be gone before you even notice, melting away into the shadows."

So if we didn't even know Stefani was like this, doesn't that... kind of make her Rebecca 2.0? All the scary awesomeness of Rebecca in a non-intimidating Erin Brockovich-looking, Thank You For Smoking-acting package, with giant fake boobs? Is she the strange synthesis of Erin Brockovich and the anti-Erin Brockovich in one courteous and lovely form? Am I in TRUE LOVE with Stefanie Schaeffer? I'm not saying these things are true, but I admit that they are possible, and it only occurred to me right this second. That's like the ultimate. The crowd goes wild and Trump's like, "Very nice, Stefani. No family though, so I'm disappointed. Now James!"

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