Apprentice
Season 6 Decision Time

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now!
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Lessons Learned

Ivanka: "Quite frankly, you guys, I'm proud of you. You work well as a team. The downside of that is that we still don't know if you're in a coma or a hired killer, Stefani. You keep demonstrating that you're playing on a level above even the game itself, but I don't know that the audience will really get it, so like... could you explain better? Like, talk to America, but pretend that you're talking to Frank. Not as counterintuitive as it may at first seem."
Stefani: "Okay... "
Trump: "Psych! Next, I'll name the next Apprentice!"
Stefani: "... The fuck?"

Commercial, during which somebody explains to Donald Trump what "rude old wrinkled-nutsack pig face" means.

Trump: "Stefani, would you like to finish your answer?"
Stefani: "Fuckin' like to start my answer, sir."
Trump: "By all means."

Stefani: "I've been fearless and silent from day one. I volunteered to be Project Manager every chance I got, even going so far as to engineer Nicole's attack by a trained jellyfish. I roofied Tim to make him think macking on Nicole was a good idea, eliminating both of them. I dosed Surya with Ritalin every chance I got, turning him into a jittery halfwit with OCD and a serious personality disorder. I injured the frontal lobe of Frankie's brain, sir. He used to be a mathematician, now he can barely stand up unaided. My only competition this whole time has been James, who is an underhanded snake in ways you could barely comprehend. He hogged the PM role continuously in order to give his life a semblance of meaning, and he will pay, Mr. Trump. Meanwhile, I was never brought back to the boardroom, I never once came under fire despite holding a prominent role in nearly every task, and nobody ever said a negative word about me on camera, throughout this process."
Trump: "That's largely true."
Stefani: "If it were largely true, I would have given the kill order on that cameraman's family, sir. Trust me when I say that it is completely true."
Trump: "I believe you. I haven't really been paying attention, so I didn't want to declare anything too forcefully."
Stefani: "AMEN."

Don: "So you've gone this far, and that's great. But my dad is great too, and by 'great' I mean, erratic and narcissistic. We're developers first and foremost, because in our family we think of 'love' as something vaguely disgusting. An affront to the senses. Instead, we give each other handouts listing our various good and bad business decisions from the last week, and then go over them. The highest score -- assigned by third-party accountants from Price-Waterhouse -- each week gets a sundae and an air hug. We can also 'bank' our points, and redeem them for prizes of greater value. I've never had a hug from my father in my entire life, but I'm only six points away from a mail-order bride of my very own. Virginity is weakness, Dad always says. I'm thinking Japanese, or possibly Russian. Whoever will let me pee on her."

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Apprentice

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