Apprentice
Season 6 Decision Time

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Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now!
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Lessons Learned

Then over the next four weeks: a mall in Central America, Derek being hot, some bees, Derek being scorching hot, honey everywhere, Derek slightly less hot in a beekeeper suit, Frank and Tim screwing around, Nicole acting foolish, one thousand firings, a chicken bowl with like Grape-Nuts and pine needles in it, a wondrous car that was also a witch, Marisa sloping back to the Hinterlands to once more forage with her insanely tall kind, Aaron lounging around in his underwear in your imagination, Aimee getting a little scary, Derek being crazy hot, Jenn being awesome and getting in your face, the psycho freakout thrillride of vitamin supplements. Then came the "webisode" episode, which is memorable here because of how it was the same task as they just completed. Nicole and Tim, as though by fake, played a BF and GF and BFD, and then James was not loving their hugs of loving love, and James was dickish all the time his whole life. Nicole invented multi-camera television, and the resulting "moving pictures" were so realistic that James nearly had a heart attack, thinking it was real life. But in real life they don't propose to you near a toilet. And if they do, you tell them to go home to Momma.

As the final weeks progressed, Trump's "choices became more difficult," but it was easy and obvious from where we were sitting. Surya got fired and cried like a bitch, Muna added Christianity to the list of things that made her this year's crazy black lady, Angela processed her feelings of culpability, Tim had one bad idea out of a hundred good ones, but was dating. Heidi called Trump stupid and dared him to fire her, but nobody understands her when she talks so she got fired, meaning that Trump agreed with her that it was retarded, and thus the right thing to do. The crowd laughs about something at this point but Lord knows which of the many funny things about that they're laughing about, probably that same old schadenfreude thing of seeing Heidi go down for being "smug," which is another word for "proud" -- or "correct" -- if you're talking about a pretty girl. Then Kristine got fired for literally no reason. Then -- the crowd shits itself with joy -- The Final Four were revealed, and they were Arrow. Stefani looked beautiful as they toasted themselves and each other, Nicole was getting better all the time, Frankie was getting worse, and James, I guess, never had a chance at being a good person.

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Apprentice

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