Apprentice
Season Finale

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Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Thirteen: People Aren't Metaphors

Over at Excel, Josh is telling the groundskeeper at Keyspan Park that things are looking "gorgeous," but the guy basically tells him to GoSMILE himself because it's raining bad and it is never, ever going to stop. Josh futzes with his hair and prays for a tarp to at least salvage the field. Randal interviews that at this point, his future actually ended, and that there "should have been a contingency plan," but that this "completely eluded" him. Which is first of all Duh with a capital Doy, but secondly it's funny, because if he'd just watched the damn episode, he'd know this anvilstorm was going to happen. Lest Randal have a second to like Manage his Project, Ms. Singer from Autism Speaks calls him up to worry and bug him, and Randal promises to keep in contact with her very supportive and helpful self. Josh looks like a beautiful, gorgeous, heavenly angel when he sleeps -- how does he get through a single face-to-face meeting without people trying to kiss him? Without actual vice presidents jumping up in his grill? -- but kind of like a tool when he agrees with Randal that they still have a chance in hell. Randal: "This isn't rain. This is drizzle." Cut to a ridiculously overlong clip of safety barrels rolling around in the torrentially drizzle-flooded streets.

James shakes the hand of the incredibly wormy Pete Dominick, who at the last second warns him that he's got "pee" on his hand. Fucking charming. ["I've seen this guy at his 'home' club; he's funny, ish, and a good emcee, but also hostile, in that way that really isn't a joke." -- Sars] The awesome and nonplussed James is smooth as silk: "Glad to hear it. Let's go meet Rebecca." I think he's hoping for some kind of matter/anti-matter explosion when they come into contact. Pete is from the now nickel-dented Gotham Comedy Club, James tells us, and one of the "best emcees in the area." His teeth are so Cletus they look fake and his eyes are shifty and ratty and like all good comedians, he's clearly a train wreck. He tells Rebecca his riders: "three models," he says, and "Jennifer Lopez...and Jennifer Garner, because I used to know her." He's That Guy for whom the phrase "This Guy, I Tell Ya" was invented. Need I explain that I hate That particular Guy above all others? Rebecca looks at him clearly signaling that The Time For Fun Is Never, and he eventually starts bugging her about whether she's "all right" and whether she needs "a hug" and trying to chill her out, but she's not to be chilled. He congratulates her on choosing him, and is getting pretty charming, and she smiles and finally laughs and informs him, "You're making me like you right now." You know how intensely she says this, so you know what that's like. Cut to any damn generic interview: "We're going to have to make this thing work" and "I'm really proud of my team."

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Apprentice

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