Apprentice
Season Finale

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Lesson Thirteen: People Aren't Metaphors

Over at Keyspan, Outback Jerkwad is not happy about things, of course, some more. I'm this close to never eating there again, except for how I've been there a grand total of once. It was nice. But now? Never again. Jim Kerr is in the Excel meeting, asking really good questions, and basically his concern is that if people come wanting a softball game, and made it out there in the rain, they'd better have a place to hang out, and not get turned away because the locker room is too tiny. Randal thinks probably a first-come, first-served policy should work well in this instance and Jim Kerr is like, great. Nice Plan B. Marshawn, who's...the thing is that, aside from the Extra Bonus Footage of Toral fucking up, the Returnees are looking about fifty times better than the Final Two at this point. They're so incredibly on-task, it's really thrilling to watch. So Marshawn is like, "This is a fundraising event. We will raise funds." For some reason, the tables are exactly Yahoo! purple. Interesting.

Singer is what I am officially over as she explains to us (quoting almost verbatim from last week's recap) that "success is defined, in my terms, as not so much on the logistics but on making sure that when people are here, how well he incorporates our messaging into the event. To me that's success." Lady, we know. But the difference is that you are not Randal, you are Alison Tepper Singer, and you're great, I like you, but I like you better when you're not the trees and you're not screaming. He's got you, babe. She reams him about the autism epidemic, which I'm sure most of you know by now is an issue that's very close to my personal life, and Randal's like, "Lady, we got me, we got you, we got Trump, we got Jim Kerr, and I'm fairly certain none of us is going to be able to shut up about autism, when it's time? But right now I've got the smell of foot and urinal cakes happening, and two picnic tables to my name." Her response: "Well, is there a little podium?"

Into the studio, the past candidates are all "talking" wildly, doing the whole "peas and carrots" drama camp deal. Clay and James are pretending to talk about, I think, Chris's gayness. Felisha and Melissa are talking about what it's like to suck real bad. Chris is whispering to Alla that Brian is very short and therefore she can feed on him most easily. Brian is paralyzed by fear and talking to nobody at all. Toral and Adam are talking about how much they like Rebecca. Marshawn is ignoring them. Jenthura and Kristi are talking about how gigantic their hair has grown, and about how that one rushee keeps favoring her left arm like she's trying to hide a lopsided bosom. Mark and Jentethno are listening to Josh talk about God knows what. And Markus? Markus is talking to the side of Jenthura's head, grinning madly, and then completely ignored, he turns away without dropping the grin and talks to space. That's all the Markus we get, but it's a microcosm of the Markus Experience, and just for the opportunity to see that, I am truly thankful.

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Apprentice

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