Apprentice
Season Finale

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Lesson Thirteen: People Aren't Metaphors

Everybody's freaking out at Randal's party in the NJ, and Trump welcomes the loser candidates into the fake Boardroom by name. Melissa looks gorgeous. They all look gorgeous. Kristi I don't even recognize, and I already thought she was pretty, but her hair is now rivaling Jenthura. When Trump calls Toral's name, he goes, "Ay-yi-yi," and everybody kind of laughs. It's rather ugly. Everybody's smiling as they enter, except for Alla, who looks like she's doing this with knives in her shoes. Clay keeps doing this kind of bitchy chewing-gum-but-there-is-no-gum thing. Trump tells us how great he -- and by extension, we -- think this is going to be, what we're about to see.

Chris is all excited about hanging up a huge Yahoo! banner on the stairs down to the comedy portion of the evening, how it will "smack them right in the face," and we see the logo is also projected on the wall, and there are banners on every surface that has stood still, and he says the word "Yahoo!" so many times and we see the word "Yahoo!" so many times that it loses all meaning, and then the one pathetic but sweet Glaser banner shows up and Chris says it's somewhat "overshadowed" by the Yahoo! attack, and it's kind of a sad little moment. Especially if you consider how this would have affected Alison Singer. You think she's high-strung now? Hoo boy.

Meanwhile, Outback Jerk is still fucking bitching. Assclown. The actual people who are not 100% committed to being total shits are running around working -- like, literally running, sprinting, with big heavy boxes -- and this random chick that looks like my friend Traci Koch tells Mark that Marshawn may or may not be upstairs, and it's like an anthill when you stomp it, and then Mark accidentally runs into Singer, who jumps right up his ass about not losing the checks. The thing about Singer is that she's really pretty, I think, but weirdly, her stressed-out fake smile is prettier than her actual smile, which is already pretty. Never saw that before, but really it's a very charity thing to have going on with your face, if you think about it. Mark's got a ton of neck. His neck is eleven inches long, speaking of weird things in the face area. The check repository he comes up with is just bastardly ugly: a trash can with an Autism Speaks t-shirt stretched over it, like, the neck hole is where the checks go in. It looks like hell. It looks like Lindsay Lohan as re-imagined by Sid & Marty Krofft.

Randal gets intense in interview about how his team was the best, how everything they were given -- EVERY THING THEY WERE GIVEN -- they got it done. George looks totally cute in his little outfit asking Randal how he's doing, considering the completely unplanned-for rainstorm, and Randal says that you "have to be selective and strategic about what's critical," versus what he should "leave for others to take care of." I'm not sure if this is a sarcastic edit, but we then see him walking around and schmoozing and shaking hands and kissing babies and introducing himself to VIPs and being hugged by Jerry O'Connell, who is uncomfortable hugging to a degree I've not before seen. And if this is intended, here's where I go with that: I don't remember ever seeing Randal doing anything. He's great at whatever he does, I believe that, but the camera has a hell of a time catching him at it. Next up: Carson Goddamn Rat Bastard Kressley, who really wanted to play baseball, or whatever, but Randal says he can't, "unless you wanna get wet and dirty," which, come on, Randal, you know who you're talking to, and since Carson Fucking Kressley never met an obvious entendre he couldn't double faster than a shaking monkey in a stupid little hat starts dancing when he hears that organ get to grinding, he tells Randal that getting "wet and dirty" is his "specialty," then turns to me and makes some stupid joke about "organ grinding" that I wasn't even listening to, because maybe at least Thom Filicia's around somewhere, and him I love. Randal giggles, but I sure as fuck don't. Randal interviews that "everything's coming together" and he likes that, and he chortles wonderfully.

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Apprentice

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