"I'm Gonna Getcha Good!"
"(Wanna Get To Know You) That Good!"
"Thank You Baby! (For Makin' Someday Come So Soon)"
"Waiter! Bring Me Water!"
"What A Way To Wanna Be!"
"I'm Not In The Mood (To Say No!)"
"In My Car (I'll Be The Driver)"
Come on: that's some Flowers For Algernon shit right there. Let the record also show that each of these tracks was so devoid of any particular flavor that it lent itself equally to a "pop" and a "country" version, and that these 38 "songs" together comprised one double album. Now, if there's one thing I've learned writing about American Idol, it's that everybody likes something, and in corollary, every piece of music has somebody that likes it. And I don't care, and I am not saying you shouldn't love Shania Twain. All I'm saying is that looking at that shit hurts my eyes, and hearing that shit hurts my ears, and as a musician those two things are important, because your songs are your calling cards.
On the other hand, I've heard that Shania fully admits that her stuff is fluff, and that she saves the good stuff, what you call "songs," for people that she loves, like her family, and we don't deserve to hear them. And I respect that -- kind of love it, to be honest -- but I kind of agree with her, given her success with stuff like that. I wouldn't put too much effort into it either, if I could make that much money whispering coquettishly about Brad Pitt's looks for five seconds over a Casio preset, go back home, and rest assured I was going to make a bajillion dollars. And on the other other hand, the most atrocious song has just come on my iTunes to remind me that this shit is relative: "Hats" from the very Amy Grant album I referenced last week in the Veronica Mars recap. NOW! That's what I call a shitty song, and I am not cool for having it on my computer, and I am addressing that issue as we speak. I cannot explain what happened there. Most importantly though, to me anyway, is the fact that Shania has had a really fucked-up life, like to the degree that you either become awesome or become crazy, and she chose the former, and all kidding aside I do admire her for that, for her strength and continued grace.
Anyway, Randal and Rebecca walk up to Shania, already havin' her a party on horseback, for their reward -- Randal cutes, "Looks like a celebrity!" -- and Shania, a princess on her horse, smiles down at them beautifully. "Congratulations! (I Guess It Was) A Good Day!" She's utterly charming, although she has a little bit of the milk-voiced throat-frogs happening today. God, she's pretty. Randal interviews that he can't remember the last time he rode a horse, and then things get awesome as Randal puts on that ridiculous-looking equestrian bowl-hat. He cannot deal with his horse at all, and Shania's trying to be helpful -- "Pull Back! (On The Left Rein, Son!)" -- but as Rebecca explains wonderfully, "Randal's horse would not get with the program! It just wanted to roam around in circles " and we see Randal heading the exact opposite direction as Twinkie-twins Rebecca and Shania head off into the sunset.