Apprentice
Shaniagans

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Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Ten: Keep It In The Aughts

But what do I know? Because the folks over at Capital Edge come up with basically the same idea. Alla interviews that she "can lead with great...leadership skills," because she is -- and I'm not arguing -- "the leader on this team." Alla: She's not conceited! She's just honest! Love it. Adam puts the hard sell on immediately that they should use the "horse and carriage" marketing strategy so memorably and recently employed by...snake-oil salesmen of the Olden Days. It's a "spectacle" and will "get people's attention in the street!" And that's, I think, the problem with this whole task: you could tell by the rheumy gleam in Trump's eye that he was thinking viral, guerilla, street-team marketing, "wrapping" being this hot new advertising strategy that only the youngest and ballsiest of up-and-comers are using, something so whippersnapping new it smells like the internet, and the teams responded by...using techniques perfected somewhere between The New Deal and The Old West.

Adam brings up -- more than once -- the idea of "wrapping" the horses themselves, but this is ignored, especially after Shania shows up in her best PETA attire and buggy-whips him senseless. Alla's like, "Go for it, I guess," about the carriage thing, although Felisha protests (both in context and during an interview) that it's more important to have actual warm bodies, that actual sales people sell a lot more than a mobile billboard, horseless carriages being a not-seldom occurrence these days. She runs into some issues immediately, having been tasked with finding temps to do the sandwich-board thing, but not given enough budget to actually do it. Adam, pissy, asks Alla how much money she gave Felisha "and why," and Alla says she gave her $1500 and she'd just have to make it work. Felisha interviews that having no money to spend on the more important part of the task was a huge problem, and I guess I agree, but what we don't see is Felisha going to the mat for it -- she complains and talks about how "logistically, it's a freaking nightmare" and all the things she should say, but the measurable goal in something like this is selling your point of view, and she doesn't, which means she should have tried harder and thought faster. She's right, but unlike Markus in the Lamborghini task, there are no real obstacles to her getting it across, other than her own fear of confrontation.

Which sort of brings us to the Weekly Wisdom, which is -- and I'm not making this up -- "Be A Gladiator." The fuck is Trump's universe actually like? "There are times when the only choice is confrontation," he tells us, and we see some footage of him screaming at someone on the telephone and finally hanging up on the bastard. "Confrontation is never really popular, but sometimes it's needed: go to it with gusto." Back to the thrilling phone attack, he's saying snootily, "Yes, I hung up. You didn't get disconnected," and I'm wondering where the line is between "confrontation" and "acting like a dick," but apparently I'm an asshole for even wondering about it. "I'm fucking finished, okay?" he screams, and -- just like every episode -- you have to wonder if there's ever anybody on the other end of the line when he does these little snippets. If not, that's the saddest, funniest thing I've ever seen, and so on-the-nose as a metaphor for Donald Trump that I'm willing to assume I'm right.

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Apprentice

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