Apprentice
Shaniagans

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Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Ten: Keep It In The Aughts

Boardroom is so, so awkward, due to the sabotage, but we get down to it. Carolyn reports that Excel "did fairly well" with their street-team-only campaign, coming through with 978 calls. As with every week, on both shows in the franchise, I wish we knew how long they actually spent doing the task itself: from the time the vans arrived and the temps were outfitted, to when they called it a day. Every single task would be improved if we knew the timeframe, and frankly, I think we'd all be a little more impressed if we knew. The whole songwriting thing, for example: from the time they started in on their musicians, through production, to when they said it was a wrap: how long? Because in some interviews, they act like they had an hour with their hands tied behind their backs, and other times the footage makes it seem like they had a full week during tourist season. Anyway, Bill explains about the Capital Edge supplementary "horse and carriage" strategy, and reveals that they got 973 calls. Five votes' difference. Wow.

Alla looks crushed, and Rebecca's eyes roll back in her head as Trump congratulates them. Their reward is to spend time with Shania, first doing some horseback riding -- special saddle for Rebecca! -- and then having a delicious and mind-activating dinner. Now, here's the thing with me and Shania: Between being Canadian, being gorgeous, having a very lovely voice, and being in I ♥ Huckabees, I have to love her. It's not her that I hate: it's her music, completely. Well, that and her weird penchant for punctuation marks.

Let the record show that People's Exhibit A is hereby entered into evidence: Her album Up!, which includes the following tracks:

"Up!"
"I'm Gonna Getcha Good!"
"Nah!"
"(Wanna Get To Know You) That Good!"
"Ka-Ching!"
"Thank You Baby! (For Makin' Someday Come So Soon)"
"Waiter! Bring Me Water!"
"What A Way To Wanna Be!"
"I'm Not In The Mood (To Say No!)"
"In My Car (I'll Be The Driver)"

Come on: that's some Flowers For Algernon shit right there. Let the record also show that each of these tracks was so devoid of any particular flavor that it lent itself equally to a "pop" and a "country" version, and that these 38 "songs" together comprised one double album. Now, if there's one thing I've learned writing about American Idol, it's that everybody likes something, and in corollary, every piece of music has somebody that likes it. And I don't care, and I am not saying you shouldn't love Shania Twain. All I'm saying is that looking at that shit hurts my eyes, and hearing that shit hurts my ears, and as a musician those two things are important, because your songs are your calling cards.

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Apprentice

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