Apprentice
Shut Your Smartmouth

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Lesson Eleven: The Smartness Is In The Science!

Immediately previous, Hanson shows up on Briefcase Or No Briefcase, a show that makes less sense every week. It seems to be about guessing numbers and random and then letting a guy with a spreadsheet dick with you and make you question your ability to guess numbers properly. It's not that I hate America, so much as find America really confusing sometimes.

Previously on this show, which makes all too much sense most of the time, Angela came and went with neither bang nor whisper, just a lot of dreams surrounding her that had nothing to do with reality and everything to do with Trump's feelings about, like, America. Which he finds really confusing most of the time, so he just makes things up. Angela couldn't think of a thing to say, as usual, and then Nicole thought she was so damn cute.

Back at camp, as the Kineticists come back without Angela, Tim's all yelling over the hedge about "Who's that? Who's that?" You see, his girlfriend is in danger even though he cheated and told her that James was gunning for her. Kristine and Heidi apologize for ousting Nicole, hilariously -- "She was an easy scapegoat" being the best line -- and he gasps dramatically, but then starts yelling like Leo in Gilbert Grape about how she's really there, guys. Heidi's like, "Nicole's little stunt in the boardroom, while idiotic, was also all about Tim. We don't... need Tim? For anything in particular? So that was kind of all about the Nicole show and, like, if he's loyal. If he really likes her." She laughs about how they're in high school, but she knows it is not that funny. Over the hedge, they give him the goose-eye view about how Trump wants him dead for being disloyal and how it was all Trump talked about. Which is hilarious, because you know Tim can't handle that. Kristine takes it up a notch, letting him know how Trump told Nicole to dump him. Tim's like, "Bastard! I have to prove myself! Again!" I think this is where Tim convinces himself that this is a movie about his life and not his actual life. It's the only way I can make sense of what we're about to see for the next hour.

So James is disgusted in like all directions after Nicole's little display, and comes in huffin' and puffin' and telling everybody to take a seat. Tim's gone completely moronic, and he's all, "What happened? Can I be in the meeting?" And James is like, "Motherfucker, do you want to hear this?" Stupidly, he does; he nods his head like a golden retriever. James tells them all about how Nicole made an ass of herself and also Tim, acting as a sort of ass-proxy. James asks Tim if he and Nicole ever discussed that stupid concept which makes no sense and only goes to prove that these people have lost their minds. Tim is like, "Instead of pointing out that this question makes no sense, because of how simple long division works, I will talk about my deep love for Nicole, because it is all I know how to talk about, because I have lost my mind." He tells them that he is sad to be on a different team from Nicole, due to loneliness or some shit, and that he loves Arrow though too, so you see it's very complicated. (Tim: It is not actually complicated. You just sound nuts.) Tim points out how by doing nothing at all -- as far as his teammates know -- he has been marked as disloyal by both Nicole and Arrow, not to mention Donald Trump, the moral authority of the world. "That's fucked!" he says. He is not wrong. Then everybody suddenly starts screaming wildly about nothing at all.

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Apprentice

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