Apprentice
Shut Your Smartmouth

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Jacob Clifton: C- | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Eleven: The Smartness Is In The Science!

Things Heidi gets: to be PM forever, to be a Viceroy in the boardroom, and to live in a mansion and have a wonderful secret prize.
Things Frank gets: to be so, so sad.

Trump: "'Bout time you won, Heidi!" The music gives a little cutesy flourish, she turns at the door, and she giggles back at him with magic light everywhere. "I'm back!" My notes at this point say: "Oh shit and it's only 9:30. This BR is going to be awful. I'm so scared, you guys!" I didn't even know!

Disgusting Nicole: "We won! I'm back in the mmmmmyyansion! Kinetic is about to see Nicole unleashed!"
Nicole Unleashed: [Makes them take shots with her. Nice.]
Disgusting Nicole: "Even better than winning was that we creamed them! They loved ours and hated Arrow's!"
My Last Nerve: "How the fuck are you this old and you still don't understand the concept of excellence? How do you not grasp 'winning' as a basic concept? Winning is good because you won, not because somebody else lost. So gross!"

Frank shovels chips into his fat head as fast as he can. Tim watches. Stef watches. This is hilarious. Oboes of grease play across the scene as Frank continues to shove potato chips in his mouth.

Stefani: "...At least we're not missing out on a really fantastic reward."
Frank: "Wan fum chipf?"

So then Kinetic's MOMS come in the door! And Kristine's husband! He's as cute as she is, they're so futuristic and frisky, I love it. Nicole of course shouts and whatever, Kristine loves their moms, Heidi is "sort of in tears" because her mom lives in small-town Michigan and has never been to LA. Kristine's hot husband Ludo is a famous French chef, one of the top fifty in the world actually, so this reward is even more awesome. What's not awesome is telling the other team's families that they might be coming to visit, and then telling them no. How awful! But also, it's a six-week thing. You know? They're not locked in LA as long as we have to watch them be in LA. Tim sticks his stupid head through the hedge and stares at Nicole and her mom, begging to be included, because he has heard that people with girlfriends sometimes meet the girlfriend's mom, and the mom will sometimes bust your balls, and since he has a girlfriend, he wants to test drive all the possible options. The horrifying grin on his face as he waits for his uppance to come.

Nicole's mom tells him he looks cute in the hedge, and then Nicole threatens to "fill" her mom in on "the situation." Situation? Oh, right. The problem that isn't actually a problem, but which you'll complain about whenever you want because being a victim feels a lot like being the one in control, and that's your approach to everything. "I'm going to whine to my mommy and then she'll tell me that I'm right and you're wrong, and somehow this will make you fall in love with me." Tim's like, "How awkward." It's not awkward, it's retarded, and I'm so tired of both of them that I can't even believe it. Whatever you're trying to prove, you've now gotten so irritating that you're proving the opposite. Nicole: "My mom's really loyal." Oh, shit. So then OMG she starts telling her mom her sick version of life, how she's pretty and everybody likes her despite her voice, but events keep conspiring to put her in the position of complaining and celebrating others' misfortunes. Tim is running around the yard feeling dicey about it, and everybody else is bored. They finally hold an intervention about how pathetic Tim is. James wonders why he went to the hedge at all, interviewing: "A man has some pride! He doesn't understand that this woman is killing him!" James and Frank desperately try to get Tim to drop the whole thing and stop trying to prove he's not gay, because everybody already knows he's not gay, but proving it is now the thing he's gay about, and it's awkward. Tim interviews with this ecstatic overjoyed face about how crazy it is and how stupid it is to be in a relationship and be a guy with a girlfriend on this show! You know what, fuck it. He's Nicole. He's the same as Nicole. This is what the boy version of that looks like.

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