Apprentice
Shut Your Smartmouth

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C- | Grade It Now!
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Lesson Eleven: The Smartness Is In The Science!

Frank: "You should want her to go home! You should want her face to melt like in Lost Ark!"
James: "By saying that you don't want your pretend girlfriend to be ripped apart by dogs, you are saying that you want one of us on this team to go home!"
Tim: "NO! YES! I have lost respect from Trump, from my team... I don't know anything anymore! Love is a terrible fool's game! But I am so in love I cannot think straight! I have always given 110% even when my heterosexuality was not in play! As it is right now, so very violently! How can I cope?! I am like Orestes and you, Frank, are the Furies right now! When will you stop hounding me? I am being driven crazy by the predictable, natural consequences of my idiotic and transparent behavior!"
Stefani: "Your ass will go home if you don't give 110, so suck on that."
Frank, verbatim: "They are our enemy! HATE THEM!"

It's funny because this is what I've been praying for, for ten, eleven weeks? Everybody drunk or coked up, people drooling and screaming, insane stalking around the mansion at 2 AM, people almost crying or running off to cry, secret murderous thoughts, Stefani looking at Tim like she's going to kill him with her mind... except I really, really don't like it. It's gross and ugly and stupid, and this episode more than anything demonstrates why the very idea of going on a show like this should be considered a cry for help. This is what happens, inevitably. I normally think that extremity is revealing, but I think also that there's an element of mental torture here that goes beyond extremity, and into being a factor all its own that is very grody. Like if you weren't In The Shit you could talk about how maybe if you were just a little stronger, had just a little more constitution and you wouldn't give in, but the whole point of torture is that it evolves as you resist. And that's what this is: evolving torture, for the sake of drama. Little less sleep, little more beer, weirder mixed signals from production and Trump, Nicole stirring up shit, Kinetic stirring up different shit, James stirring up all the shit he can, and Tim suddenly with no idea what the hell is going on. Hmm.

James and Nicole answer the phones the next morning, still asleep. The L.A. Times, if you didn't know, stopped sucking. I myself did not know about this until very recently, but it turns out not to have sucked for quite awhile. That's what you get for accepting people at their word instead of finding out for yourself. Andie, on the phone, is so not feeling them at all. Her amazing eyeshadow is the same deep blue as her shirt, but neither are quite so blue as her wan disinterest. Perhaps she is not going to Homecoming after all? Perhaps Jimmy is taking Sally to the 2 Live Crew concert, instead of Andie. Perhaps there are Mulholland walls that will tonight remain un-graffitoed, because Andie has too much damned AP French III homework to go out wilding with her girlz.

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Apprentice

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