Apprentice
Soap Dopes

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Washing out

Over at Net Worth, the music is already honking merrily, and we know that's never good. Kristen is claiming that she would be a great PM, because her boyfriend is a director, so she's on the set all the time. HA HA HA! Awesome. Nothing makes you an expert like standing around being the Yoko all riding the grill of some suckweasel's creative team. Net Worth affirms her as the PM, but Audrey expresses great skepticism, because she can't stand Kristen, and she doesn't see much reason to change this opinion now. Me neither. John comes up with an idea in which a marathon runner would first throw water on himself, and then wash with the Dove, and then throw on more water to rinse, and then keep running. The team seems happy about this idea. John describes his idea in an interview as one of their runners "taking a bath right there in the street." Just remember, that's how it all started.

Magna is in the process of casting women for Cucumber Dick, the Homosexual Commercial. It turns out that Alex, Erin, and Bren are going to keep working on this, while Michael, Kendra, and Stephanie are off to get props. Such as the most phallic cucumber they can possibly find, even if it has to be special-ordered in order to achieve the full effect of Cucumber Dick, the Homosexual Commercial. We watch as Erin explains about the casting of the "beautiful woman" who will be giving Cucumber Dick his hand job, and then the gay cook's hunky boyfriend. Erin lusts after the pictures of the actors. Ha ha, that was hilarious. Oh, Cucumber Dick, how you do make the world a merrier place. You're magical.

Net Worth is at its studio, where Kristen is dismissing John -- who came up with the concept for the ad -- and Craig, so that the two of them can go and work on music. Kristen interviews with a tight smile, "It is very easy for me to do everything myself." She brags in an interview about how stuff always goes better if she weeds out everyone else and does the whole thing herself. Boy, I hope the commercial is really awesome; otherwise, she's going to look like a total buffoon! Let's watch!

In the Van of Escaping Kristen's Evil Clutches, John and Craig are talking about how John hopes that Kristen is capable of capturing the joke John came up with in the ad. He stresses that it has to be executed exactly correctly, or it won't be funny. Well, all jokes are like that. And so are all executions, actually, since we were speaking of the guillotine so recently.

At Magna, Erin is on the Space Communicator talking about how there was a set time for the cast to show up, and they can't change it now, so the cast will have to wait until they're ready to go. Kendra interviews (Kendra, blonde, long-ish hair, you remember) that the "talent" had been called in at 4:00, even though the set wasn't going to be ready until 6:00 or 6:30. Thus, she, Michael, and Stephanie decided to head over to the studio and check in on the cast. But apparently not right now, because we cut to the studio, where the cast, apparently made up of tuberculosis patients, is waiting outside wheezing because there's no one there to let them in. The actress, who will be playing the part of Cucumber Dick's Hand-Job-Providing Lady Chef, complains that she will be fit to be tied if she gets a cold. Fit! To! Be! Tied! A blond actor coughs dramatically. He may die. Finally, at quarter to six, Michael, Kendra, and Stephanie pull up in their van. Actress Lady reads Stephanie the riot act about how she was told to show up at 4:00, and it's almost 6:00 now. Fit! To! Be! Tied! She announces that she is "ready to walk out." Which would be quite a tragedy for the team, because where else can you find an actress capable of staring lustily on short notice in New York? So Actress Lady has all kinds of leverage. All kinds! Of leverage! Stephanie interviews that she worked very hard to calm the actress down. We watch as the actress bitches about "who's supposed to be supervising the cast," blah dee blah. Stephanie gets Erin (in the van) on the Space Communicator to try to calm the actress. Why she thinks Erin will be good at this is rather mysterious to me, but all right. The actress gives her spiel about how long she's been waiting, yada yada. Erin apologizes, and the actress keeps bitching, and it isn't clear what the actress wants, like, does she want Erin to keep saying she's sorry? Because Erin does that, some, but the actress acts snippy and finally declares that there's a "90-percent chance that [she's] not staying." ["Why she wasn't summarily dismissed immediately following that princessive-aggressive announcement, I don't know. Even actresses who aren't getting paid don't pull that shit in this town if they want to work again." -- Sars] In the van with Erin, Bren looks grim.

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Apprentice

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